


Sometimes. You do you.

by DemiDooble



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Almost all OC but with gamzee, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But with obvious aspect as name, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mention of Characters without names, Mention of Death, Might change once I figure out their names, OC without names, OOC, Self-Insert, no beta we die like men, tags will be added as it goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:12:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemiDooble/pseuds/DemiDooble
Summary: You don't know what happen. But you're here now. Now, what will you to do.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

You are BARD OF HEART and you fucked up.

Instead of someone who respect relationship and loves your friend. You fuck up because you were betrayed by someone who was your friend and you didn’t listen to other’s warning.

Now you’re dying and all you wanted to do was to go home. To rest and forget.

You are dying and all you can see is light.

You hope your crush doesn’t miss you too much because you are an absolute shithead and you don’t need to belong here anymore.

You guess. You are free from them? You think you are.

**=== > ** **BARD OF HEART: DECENDS.**

That’s it. It’s over. Whatever. You always knew you will die. Never thought that the end would be so peaceful. You haven’t pass yet. All you can do is think ‘Geeze. I guess I can finally close my eyes and never wake up’

You are descending. You guess this is how it work for dead. You used to think that you’re cool about death in general because magic and shit. But that’s hypocrite of you now. You won’t know what happen next.

The bright light is far away now. You think it’s because you’re finally dies.

**=== > ** **BARD OF HEART: DIED.**

**=== > **

**=== >**

**=== >**

You see the mask in front of you. What is going on? The mask, you love so much but it doesn’t exist, came out of nowhere. It’s coming toward you.

“…”

The mask is always silent. You always vent to it as a diary thing because you don’t write it down like a stupid kid.

You guess that even in death, it would give comfort to you.

It’s time to wear the mask. You do this to dissociate. But it’s not real so you don’t need to care. In fact, you’re wearing it now.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: WEAR THE MASK. IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE YOU’RE DEAD.**

It’s perfect fit.

Of course, it’s perfect fit. It’s something you always draw yourself wearing but in this very very dark world, you don’t need to visualize it anymore. You just wear it.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: IMAGINE WAVE**

Hmmm. That is nice to listen to it. You kind of like this thought process. As usual, you think your mask comfort you, but it’s always been you comforting yourself.

Wait…

Why do I hear some wave? Maybe you think your imagination is wild. You even remember the wave so deeply that you create your own sea.

“Whoa. Shit. Miracle motherfucker. You came out of nowhere.”

Okay. Maybe you think you have some weird shit in your head but even making someone else up to entertain you? No way, you would be able to do this.

“Hello? Are you dead? You’re the weirdest thing I ever seen. You’re white enough to be a lusus but you’re like a troll shape and all.”

What the fuck.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: WAKE UP.**

You see Gamzee Makara. And Holy shit. You didn’t think that you could do this. To make a dream real and react to it. You can’t do lucid dream with your life on the line.

You think… that this is hell. This probably afterlife making a joke on you.

“Are you a Lusus? That would be a miracle if you can talk like us troll do.”

Gamzee is tinier than you. What the fuck. What the fuck. Okay life. How about you take a break and stop this joke now.

Oh shit. Gamzee fell. What the fuck.

“Honk”

You think you remember that gamzee is the one that high as fuck. In fact, you think his voice sometime drags like something a high person do in fiction, but you never hear of it. Maybe watching too much drama can do this.

You see him standing up now.

You do what logical person do.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: RUN**

You run like hell and stay away from that fictional character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be OOC


	2. Breath you asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You catch your breath.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: CATCH YOUR BREATH**

You stop at some type of forest. You don’t know this place much but at least it looks like forest.

You caught your breath enough to rest under the tree.

You don’t know why first thing you see is GAMZEE MAKARA which is weird because that is not what you expect to see. Wiping down your sweat. You always know you’re not the physical fit but the fact that you ran from the beach to deep forest, surprise you so much because you can’t even run that much when you’re….

Well alive.

You guess that this is afterlife. You run faster than usual. You went great distance.

When you stop wiping down your sweat, you saw that your hand is fully white. Not like white white but BLEACH WHITE.

Hold up.

What did that tiny thing say? Lusus?

No way.

You denied whatever that troll say and maybe… this is how dead should look like. White as fuck.

You might as well find a pond somewhere here to see how you look.

Probably still look the same but whiter.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: FIND A POND**

You find a pond somewhere far.

You never though that climbing a mountain is so simple.

You found a river near there and

Finally

You look at yourself.

===> **BARD OF HEART: LOOK AT SELF**

Fuck. You’re whiter than the whitest person you seen.

You really look like a lusus.

HA! What a joke.

BUT WAIT.

Where’s your hair?

WHERE’S YOUR PUPIL????

You’re so white. You’re like a doll with black circle for eyes. No serious. You don’t have pupil. You don’t have hair, but you have a lump that defy gravity looking like a hair in a character with a vague shape as hair. In fact, it looks like you have a slick back, but the ‘hair’ is forever frozen as blowing back.

Each movement change it shape.

Your mouth is dark as fuck. But you have tongue and teeth. You don’t have any clothes on, but every important ‘thing’ is gone. That kind of relief you somewhat? You’re tall as you’re used to. It seems you are like the character base with no distinctable features, but you have a lump hair.

BUT FOCUS ON YOUR EYES. YOU HAVE NO PUPIL. You can feel it moving when you turn but, in the pond reflection, it doesn’t show at all. You have this eyeliner that show the shape of an eye but there’s nothing but white there.

Heh.

Homestuck’s ghost also don’t have pupil.

Maybe you’re like that. Heh.

Hehehehehehhehehehehehehehehe

You’re laughing. You’re laughing so hard. You don’t need to breath at all but why does it feel like you need to?

“HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA *huff* *huff* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

**=== > BARD OF HEART: FALL WHILE YOU’RE LAUGHING**

Oh, shit you’re gonna hit the floor. But you don’t care at all. You fall and you’re not gonna pick your self up

IT SO FUCKING FUNNY THAT YOU DIED

You knew that it would come. So, you try make the best of it. But you never know what kills you. You didn’t know it then

IT WAS YOUR HEART ALL ALONG THAT KILLS YOU

That what making it so funny

IT JUST LIKE YOU TO DIED THAT WAY

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**=== > BARD OF HEART: ENOUGH OF THIS. WHERE IS THE PAIN?**

You don’t even need the pain. You just to remove the feeling anyway.

Why did you thought that emotion was something you should learn of? You should have left yourself the same as usual.

Emotionless and just react like everybody else.

You understand why people cry.

Now you do and you hate it.

You should have made a different deal. But nooooo. You just chose emotion because you wanted to know so badly.

Your past self was a fool. But at least the mistake brings something good right?

You stop laughing but you still have the big wide smile.

Oh hey.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: DISCOVER THAT YOU’RE FLOATING**

You’re floating. HOLY SHIT. This is the best.

You always want to fly. You always wonder how that one cartoon’s power work. This character where he changes form and the other form let him fly, go through stuff, and blast thing. You guess you finally got it.

Maybe this form is not bad.

You’re white as fuck and you know what? You’re fucking free and you should stop caring about the past and have fun.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: HAVE FUN**

Holy shit, the starry sky is amazing. Fluttering feeling stir up in your chest. This. You can allow yourself.

The star always draws you in every night and you never let that get through you.

You might actually like this place.

The moons are weird though. 1 green and 1 pink. You wonder how that affect the sea.

You don’t need to think about this. This is just an imaginary place. You should just enjoy yourself.

And enjoy you did.

You flew through the sky in high speed. There was flying creatures. Different from what you used to see, back when you were alive. There was a flying hippogriff, weird bull-lookalike sparrow, and even a flying seahorse.

You went to a cloudy place and just play with the cloud. They’re really cold and wet but not wet enough or heavy enough to rain. The water droplet is very green. Kinda like that green acid in cartoons.

You flow around the cloud to make some shape. You failed

But hey, at least you know this.

You finally touch the ground. You flew very far and hard that you end up in the edge of a city.

There’s a lot of trolls.

That’s a lot of weird bug buildings. Maybe you should stick around.

Hehehe.

You’re giggling but the trolls don’t pay you any attention. You think it’s because there is some lusus here and there. And hey, might as well be that wild lusus.

Walking around there. The troll city is way too similar like the usual city but colorful. Also, they have bug cars. Further in and you’re in the market. Wow, they sure love meat. You don’t see a single vegetable at all.

But troll do eat children.

Huh. Maybe some myth was used here for that.

Maybe you should steal and try some of that.

Woah there, chef. You should really calm down. Because you should do that with a live one HAH.

You end up let that one out very loud.

“Oops”

Now every troll here is looking at you like they’re looking at you for the first time.

“What tha...”

“Woah, did you hear that?”

“did that thing talk”

“I never seen this type of lusus”

“That’s a very interesting one”

“Yo. Is that a mutant type lusus?”

You start making some weird ass noise like it’s a normal thing.

“AH. OH. Oooops oooooooo. Psssssss.”

The more you do it while walking and snapping at some troll.

The more stares came.

“Well that’s weird. That thing kinda talks”

“Maybe it’s a mix of featherbeast?”

You start running.

Hell, no you going to have a short trip here. YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE IT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. You started to laugh again. Man, you’re giggly today.

You’re going to find more sandy places.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: REACH TO A DESERT LOOKALIKE**

“Woah”

Running through your finger on the sand so fine. It’s sand. You always wanted to go to Egypt but… This is a good substitute. You’re going to roll on sand hill.

“WEEEEEE HE HE”

THAT WAS FUN

Let’s do that again.

Ha ha ha

You flow to the tip of the hill then roll down it like you’re a ball. You keep doing that till you see a weird q-tip type of building. Well at least you think it’s a building. But Damn does it have nice fabric attach to it. You want to steal but where would you put it.

OH YEAH, your sylladex. Oh oh. You don’t have it at all. Guess you can’t steal it anyway.

But the fabric. You wanna feel that damn thing in your hand. So, you float to there. You gotten close until.

YOU GOT ATTACK BY A HORSE.

Oh, heck no. You fly higher till it can’t reach you. You kind of want to kill it but you’re not that cruel yet.

You still continue toward the building till another white thing came. It’s kind of like a moth but larger and have horn and have really nice lips. It looks pissed.

Oh heck no. you’re not going to fight that thing.

You back away.

You’re kind of disappointed. You were so close to that grassy patch and wanted to lay on it. There is troll there looking out. Oh, it might be your cue to leave now.

**=== > KANAYA: LOOK CONFUSINGLY AT THE WEIRD LUSUS.**

You look out of your window to see a weird lusus that your lusii been fuzzing about. It flew very quickly and away from your hive.

That was weird. That lusus seems troll shape from what you could tell, and you wonder what it would do when it came here.

Something, your lusii really didn’t want it to.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: FLY FLY AWAY FROM THERE. **

Maybe that beach will be nice.

You do miss swimming.

**=== > GAMZEE: BE HIGH AS FUCK**

You don’t need to. Because you’re already baked and sitting on the sand. The white thing disappeared after you fell.

Your sponge must have made it up when you were sitting and feeling lonely. Something to cheer you up like a miracle. Right now, you want a miracle. You prayed high to your carnival for your lusus to come back for a sweep. You been missing him hard and sometime; your thought always whisper that he will never come back.

When you feel low again, you took out soper pie and eat some.

Only when you ate half of it that, you were hit by a blinding light. It hasn’t been sunrise yet, but it was close. You thought that you must have pass the time quickly, but it went away.

There right there. Was a lusus. You should have run away from it; they usually eat the wigglers but you’re too stoned to think.

Instead you talk to it.

Try to find out if it is a lusus.

But you fell and it disappear without a trace.

After that. You have been sitting and finish up the pie while waiting for goatdad. Like you always do. You wanted to see if he come back angry, drag your ass back to the hive and scold you. He been missing another grub pickup again.

You are lonely.

You just want him back.

You prayed hard and waited hard enough for him.

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA. You have been waiting for goatdad as long as your sponge remember. You know you hatched and goatdad picked you up. Raised you till you’re 1.5 SWEEPS OLD. You were a happy wiggler. Played with your club and gotten a jokerkind from your goatdad. You were so happy back then. Then slowly, your goatdad kept going for trips longer and longer. YOU WERE 1.5 SWEEPS OLD when you finish your first molt. Your goatdad left you for 3 nights. You were scare then. You were devastated when goatdad did came back for 3 months.

He came back when you stayed till sunrises and your goatdad came back. Stayed for 2 weeks. And left you again.

At that time, you found Soper. You learned to bake and tries to forget about the sad.

You found your BEST BRO and you were happy with grey text screaming at you for being a ‘DUMBFUCK CLOWN AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING ONE WHEEL DEVICE’

You met some other too. But you were too high to remember their name.

You don’t remember how long it is that goatdad left. You lost count at 2 months now.

Motherfuck. It seems you have way too much soper pies. You’re getting dizzy already. You should go back to your hive. You stand but you can’t. You fell back down to the sandy floor. You always wonder if the sea can come up to your face.

You laid there watching the moons slowly disappear and left the night sky.

You kept hearing some noise.

But it’s fine. You can just lay here till goatdad comes. You know goatdad never burns in the sun. You hope he is back.

“HEHEHEHE”

Someone is laughing. You must not be high enough to keep those voice out. You been hearing them ever since goatdad left you for the second time and been drowning it out. You have been getting these, and you don’t like these voices TELLING YOU THAT HE NEVER CARE FOR YOU even though it’s not. YOU ARE 3 SWEEP and you are OLD ENOUGH to the deal it like a grown up.

“WEEEEEEEEEE”

The sun is rising up and you are already feeling the heat from the peek of the sun. You’re going to stay here and wait for goatdad to come. You know he care you enough to save you.

**=== > BARD OF HEART: WATCH THE SUNRISE FROM THE SKY.**

To be honest. You don’t know why troll ever hated being on the sun. Sure it’s red. It never really burns.

After seeing that beautiful sunrise from the sky, you float back down to the sandy beach and walk around.

Just because you can float, you can’t miss a walk. They are great feeling through this rocky sand. Not so fine as the desert before. You did went pass a windmill during your flight.

YOU DON’T REGRET ANYTHING.

Now the sun is coming out more, it really highlights the dark beach into something so colorful.

You like it.

Except

That thing laying there that is ruining the moment for you.

You hate how it’s so greyscale compared to the colorful landscape. Maybe you can chase him away.

From that mothy lusus thing reaction, you think lusus eats troll too.

“HEHEHEHE”

You float to make no noise.

Deep breath as you get closer to that lump.

You let out loudest ‘BOO!!!’ to scare the lump away

But the lump didn’t move.

Frustrated. Maybe it is just a lump of meat?

It is burning.

Fuck it. You move the thing to see that it’s a troll! Not just any troll. It was the troll that you met before, arriving here.

It’s gamzee.

And he’s not responding.

For once in the chest, there would be feeling of worry and panic. But there is nothing. All you feel is how dare he stay here sunbathing.

Ugh. He smells like burning flesh.

You look around to find his hive far away from here. Grumbling, you drag this troll as you walk toward the hive. Then you float. You fly high. And fast.

Racing toward his window and smash gamzee toward his hive window.

He groaned.

Okay maybe not the best idea, you can see his skin pierced with glass and leaking purple blood.

Shit. He’s tearing up and sobbing real fierce.

Oh no. What did you do? ~~_what did you fucking do_~~ You gotta- You gotta- clean his wound up and wrap that shit up.

You picked him toward what looks like toilet and remove the glasses. He keeps tearing up and leaking his purple tear down. You make most shooshing noise “HISSSS HISSSS” instead you make hissing noise. That’s not what you want. He froze up in fear. For a moment, you felt his fear.

For a real moment, you feel like that spark some deep deep things.

“hisssssssssss hisssssssssssssss”

You made much longer, calmer, and lower hiss. You wiped his tears away. Brushed his hair away his face, it calms him down. There is burns on his face and you remember that their sun burns hot enough to fry someone’s eyes out. He’s lucky that it was a quarter part of sun coming out.

You continue removing the glass while you hiss softly. You’re never a healer but you can clean up cuts. The burns might leave some scars, but you can make it smaller. Gamzee is all clean of his blood and wrapped up.

You carry him back to his bedroom and saw a weird buggy container. Your memory helpfully shows you that it’s their bed to sleep. You know some slime can heal. You hoped that those slime for sleep can also heal up some cuts.

You put him gently down in the buggy tube and left him there.

Before you left, he grabbed your arm.

He mutters “don’t go please” in sleepy state. His eyes are close.

You try removing his hand away from your arm, but he kept tightening his grip.

You made an animalistic growl. He flinches and from there, you remove his hand away your arm. “Not your fucking lusus kiddo.” You didn’t expect a low deep rusty voice out of you, but it did the job.

You return his arm GENTLY. You don’t need to rip this tiny arm from his tiny body.

He whimpered one more “goatdad” quietly and he went to sleep-like state.

Fuck this lusus thing. You’re not going to be the parent for this clown.

But.

But.

But. ~~_(I- I should)_~~

But you should at least clean the glass away and find something DURABLE and FIREPROOF to cover that hole in the window.

That is what you should do for now.

Then you can leave and fly in the redder sun.

**=== > GAMZEE MAKARA: GO TO SLEEP.**

You felt something grabbed you. You were happy about that goatdad coming back but no. It was some other lusii that lifted and throw you through the window hard enough to break it.

You were very hurt when you thought it was goatdad doing it. He wouldn’t- He would only scold at you. But when it was patching you up, you know it wasn’t him at all with that hissing noise.

You were so scared that something inside you _broke_. You wanted to make them **fear** you.

But

It didn’t work.

Instead it shushes you up and patch you.

When the slime came, you want it to stay.

You don’t know why

YOU JUST FEEL SO **LONELY.**

It growled at you and miraculously it spoke!

It scares you but you’re foggy. You called out goatdad once more.

And you fell asleep.

You’re GAMZEE MAKARA. You gained the weirdest, violent voice ever. You know they becomes real and tug you to bed whenever you stay out till sunrise. You don’t know how but it always appeared when you half unconscious and half-baked.

They are your **Angel**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are they?


	3. What's with the kids coming out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously what the heck?

**=== >BARD OF HEART: continue the story after that.**

You don’t want to anymore.

**=== >DO IT**

You thought that this was your place for afterlife. Why would they want to continue the story?

**=== >BARD OF HEART: BE FORCED TO ** **CONTINUE**

Fuck. They have to.

After the whole embarrassing mess back at that hive with how you treat his wound, clean up the glass, and fix the window with a DURABLE FIREPROOF cover. They went far away from that hive to avoid that troll.

They went so far. They went to another forest. This time the forest is blue, and the grass is blue green. It is beautiful. So beautiful in fact they stayed there and played with whatever in the strange planet. Their head throbs as whatever information comes in.

They are in Alternia, Planet of Trolls and Lusus. This is where the game started and have the story played out till the 4 mains came and begin the actual story. The troll is some kind of backstory for the game and how the main 4 came to be. They have met Gamzee Makara and Kanaya Maryam by stumbling onto them, latter have lusus chase them out.

This information doesn’t help at all because you’re dead and you’re just making things up to spice up the afterlife. This is as weird your dream before. But whatever, whatever you do here doesn’t change the actual story made before and most you do is just doing yourself a favor.

Whatever.

You’re here in this imaginary forest. You might as well explore and find something to stop this madness.

**=== >PERSPECTIVE CHANGE**

Whenever our fellow bard goes to, a change happens. It maybe a small change that won’t disturb anything. It is something that would lead people to think about. Such as what do trolls eat? Where do they get the slime? How do they socialize when they are prone to killing each other?

How did our main troll group know each other?

Seldom, the troll would have a lot of what they considered to be ‘friends’ but they don’t do friends. They have rivals and neighbors. The Troll city would have a lot of troll that would end up meeting each other in their daily life. They would find a way to become one of their as ‘friends’ but mostly the troll would get someone stronger or get together in a group to protect themselves. Such as lowblood getting together to survive highblood’s flip out, they would often help each other to survive and if one did fall, they would abandon them to save the best of their group.

It is very tragic and sad.

But

For a war race, this shouldn’t surprise anyone.

The Trial that the grub faced, is to weep out the weak. The weak gets eaten. Often the food source for their race with barren lands. There is vegetation but would it be suitable for trolls to eat? If the vegetation is required for eating, then grubs wouldn’t be killed for foods.

If that’s how it is, what is the plants doing here and what purpose?

===> **BARD OF HEART: FIND OUT WHAT THOSE PLANT ARE**

Fucking ecosystem, you moron.

If lusus is an animal that take cares of troll, then plant and tree is there for ecosystem you fucks. It’s why some animal can survive, and some don’t. It’s nature. The sea is needed for the fishy lusus that take care of fishy trolls. Land? Those things are needed for shades. Like this tree here that can stand this burning heat. You found out that you can stand the heat but not long enough to always stay out. You need shades to cool down.

This is very suspicious like how some can stand the heat, but the skin gets dark and be damage in cellular level.

Huh.

How did you know that? You don’t even remember what type of person you are. Skins getting dark? The troll’s skin is always grey until they pupated to be adult! That seems wrong. Just like how growing up in length and size to be adult type of wrong. You’re confuse now. Who the heck was you answering to?

There is a group of trolls that you need to know. Who was that?

You don’t know and don’t care now.

You’re burning up in the heat and if you can just find the stream of water nearby. It would be GREAT. You don’t muse yourself too much for something as simple as why the things works because you don’t really care about it too much. It’s here because it’s HERE! And that’s everything you should know is how to work around it or if it is food.

You tried the weird bulging round thing and it doesn’t taste great. It is something to make your stomach less hungry. Now you need some water for whatever reason your body is responding to instinct that you don’t have. You don’t need to eat but you do so because it’s something to do. There. A stream. _Stream?_

OH sweet sweet water!

Not water. But it is liquid that is close to water! It even tastes funny. It has some metallic taste to it ~~_while you remember fresh water._~~

You don’t think you love the taste of it but it’s also another thing to fill you up. Then you heard a small thump nearby. You wouldn’t really care about the sound that your non-existent ear hears about. But you end up checking anyway. You’re a curious creature. Doesn’t hurt to check the noise maker out.

You walk through the forestation before realizing that you can fly and facepalm yourself about that. You cool down enough that you float above the tree but not too far from it. You look around while flying in the air and saw there was a giant scale with an blue green egg on one side and a giant dark skull that look like the weird moth thing head from the desert you saw but the horn isn’t the same, it has equally size horn without one twisted down. Curious thing, you are. You went down and check the thing out.

There a box underneath that skull with the button facing the scale side. Damn. Is it a timer? What are they timing for? Cooking that egg. That bring a smile to your face of that little jokes. Should I make an omelette? A HUGE OMELETTE?

“HEHEHEHE. Imma cook ya. And eat ya.”

What are you doing talking to an egg? You don’t need to tell your intention.

“I wonder how big your yolk is. Oh wait, you’re under that sun for so long, you might even made yourself a body. HA! You might even be my first Balut to eat. It creeped me out when I was alive but I’m dead! I can try you now.”

“Now to find a place to cook”

You went around and check if there’s a hive nearby. You almost missed the treehive. How wonderful! They even have some kind of weird choking play with doll. This troll is going to be a fun troll. You check around if there is any troll inside. Then you went and find their kitchen.

You did find a pan but it’s not big enough to cook that egg. Disappointed, you try to find a main room to see if they have something to carry that egg. Instead you’re faced to a room fill with gibberish writing of some kind of character sheet, in fact this room feels nerdy. There’s really nothing in that room stands out but stacks of book about something. It sure does have great window for outside view which you compliment the owner’s choices.

Near the window, there is a desk with some dices that hold something.

There is a computer.

It’s pinkish too.

You peeped in a little and find that you understand JACKSHIT. It’s in another language and you don’t really understand whatever they chat about. There’s even a chat where it still highlighted the text to see. How annoying! Oh, it seems to fill up with nothing. You would think it thought the owner of this hive is online in board daylight! The trolls would be sleeping right now.

Eh. You close that and leave the hive after finding nothing around. You don’t understand or able to read the chat. You pointedly ignored the highlighted text because that’s something you understand but you don’t get how the troll do. Briefly, your mind tells you that the troll doesn’t understand the words too and it makes no sense at all. That somehow, the troll gets a free access to universal translator. Now, that’s a good idea. To have 1 language around the world and not confusing languages. But it really dulls the meaning of the words too. Hehe, Love is a bullshit word.

You went back to the large scale and pap the egg in disappointment

“Guess I won’t be eating you today huh? You’re a lucky egg.”

After the words come out, the paping stopped and you’re in trance.

Again. Something is urging you to get something again. To save someone again. Who the fuck do they think I am? A hero? _Im a fucking villain._ I destroy shit and doesn’t deserve that title. It showed the last time you tried to be a hero. YOU ENDED UP DEAD! It was _bullshit_ and all that shit about feeling? **_BULLSHIT_**.

**But**

_But_

But

You’re a curious thing. You do curious thing when you’re curious. You went to a directionless path. You found a troll. Sleeping in the sun. **HOT RED SUN.**

**You.**

You did what you did before. Dragged that troll to their hives, you think, and leave that troll in their room.

You left this time without doing much to the troll. You didn’t think much with another faint thumping sound. You didn’t say much this time. You float up toward the egg.

“You fucking own me to save your own shit.”

Your face twisted and glared at the egg. You flew faster and away from that weird egg that prompts you do that.

It left you a single message and it pisses you so much.

_‘Thank you’_

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] 

GC: YOU BURN MY 3Y3S OUT! 

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] 

arachnidsGrip [AG]  began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: Well

AG: If i'm typing this much slower, it's 8ecause I lost a arm just now. 

AG: Why? 

AG: You 8lew up my arm and my eye out. 

AG: Losing your eyes is THE PAY8ACK!!!!!!!! 

arachnidsGrip [AG]  ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter full of OC so.
> 
> Read it with that in mind


	4. Reminiscence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the heck are you doing
> 
> How did you taken the control??

===> **Change perceptive: Third person view**

\---> **Denied**

===> **Requests: Time**

\---> **Denied**

===> **Requests: Heart**

\---> **Accepted.**

\---> **Player Heart is in the following world:** Alternia.

\---> **Mission:** Unknown.

\---> **Player** Heart has been remained in Alternia for **1 month, 2 days, 14hr38mins57sec**. They have stayed near **Player** Rage.

\---> Error

\---> Error

\---> Error

\---> **Player** Rage is not the user of the session. **Player** Heart is not in the _current session_ of Alternia. **Player** Heart have perished in your session.

===> **Requests: Revived Player Heart. Needed Player Heart for the completion of the session.**

\---> **Denied:** Reason being **Player** Heart have disappeared. Their presence is lost.

===> **Requests: Info of the Player Heart’s whereabouts.**

\---> **Accepted:** **Player** Heart is in Alternia for **1 month, 2 days, 14hr39mins06sec**.  
They are near Player Rage.  
They are not in the current session.  
They are near Player Rage of the different session.

===> **Requests: To remove Player Heart from the current session of their stay to the session they belong.**

\---> Error: Requests **Denied**.  
Unable to remove Player Heart from the session.  
The session is not in motion.

===> **Requests: Q &A**

\---> **Accepted** : What is your query?

===> **Why can’t Player Heart be removed?**

\---> **Answer:** The session is not active.  
Therefore, cannot remove **Player** Heart from their current stay.

===> **Will Player Heart be retrieved by the activation of the session?**

\---> **Answer:** Yes

===> **How long will it take?**

\---> **Answer:** Currently, **Player** Hearts is in session that will activated by 3 SWEEP/6.5 years afterwards.  
The session will have a glitch at the end as intercepted by another session as programmed.  
This will be the best time for the retrieval of Player Heart

“FUCK!!” Slammed on the control system. The third party cursed out loud on the failed attempted on rescuing player Heart. If it weren’t for Breath, they would have never let that betrayal happened.

You still can’t believe that the royal scumbag actually murdered Heart. He said that it wasn’t their fault, but you knew that it was breath's fault. You can feel her still within the scumbag mind and curse her for it.

You still don’t believe that they would actually kill Heart. They were best of friends. Not anymore. Breath was simping for this stupid thing that took most of their attention away. Heart being the asshole but supportive friend, helped them. Now, they are dead, and you don’t believe that they actually did it. Rage literally exploded when they heard of Heart’s death. They can’t stop Rage's raging mode after literally seeing that their heart or spade crush broken form in front of him.

You don’t even know why you want Heart back. They were the asshole who never stop pestering them and ruining whatever chance they got with Rage. Hell, you even believed of Heart's musing that Heart was nothing to you or to all of us, that they were someone who is so worthless and useless that they don’t need to care. Those traitorous tears show a different meaning, both olive and bronze.

Time literally disappeared the second when they heard it. They wanted to find him to change the timeline, just how it did when they tried to save their moirail. But no, it didn’t work and now he’s gone in whatever intense search for whatever. Hope, being same as usual, tries to cheer everyone up but even she has a hard time keeping up the image.

Wiping those tears away, as they continue to find solution from the game’s control system. Yes. They have game’s control system because he stole it.

He is a genus. Trying to dig up all the information to to-

“*sniffs*sniffs* f-fuck.”

You don’t know why you’re crying.

You wish that this heavy feeling would leave but.

You found Heart first.

Alone and weak.

You remember how you cradled Heart as your lookstubs start leaking olive tears. You guys weren’t hatefriends or pale but…

_“H-Hey.” Looked at you with that tired eyes, you noted the eyebags that formed in the time you didn’t seen them. He rolled over and vomited green slushie. Coughed a bit then dared to say “Sorry that I didn’t listen to y-you” weakly smiled with that smirk of his._

_Pale._

_So Pale._

_Hairs a mess, you think he was more thinner than before. Heck those meaty arms became stick._

_Holding him closer. “Save your fucking breath, shithead. STAY for couple SHITTY minutes. Malcom will come” You almost shouted with desperation. Your eyes got misty as fuck and now they are traitors, leaking olive tears._

_Heart, being so nonchalantly for someone who is dying from poison, chuckled and wiped some of your tears. That pale as fuck but He, “Heh, Never thought you leak those for me. R-remember that I don’t care for you? We’re not pale. S-Safe that for your crush” Flash of anger came to you and you shouted at him “WHAT DID I FUCKING say? SAVE that BREATH of yours. You can’t leave.” Holding that hand that cups your face “We still have some works to do. REMEMBER?? To SAVE breath. You CAN’T leave”_

_Light is here. You know because you can sees the light flashing behind you whenever they teleported. “Whole, shit. I see the light. Damn is this what people sees before they go?” Heart Joked like always, pretending to ignore whatever mood they be in, even dying. “You shithead” because that just brings more of that damn tears_

_“w-whatt? Oh no, Heartt? why are you??” Oh yea light is here._

_She grabbed the hand you held before. Nevermind that you’re both **not** his quadratic relationship. They feel despaired at the sight of the stupid, reckless Heart._

_“Hey you two. Don’t be sad. This is not really sad? I'm just tired. I didn’t really sleep. I just need some rest before i'm up and usual to joke things. You know like always, then you both go after your crushes I prom-”_

_Light shut him up with ”No, you stupid idiot. You’re the idiot we still need.”_

_“Don’t worry. I-I still am the shitty friends you know? trying to ease*cough* you guys”_

_You went on and on about how Heart was an idiot for not listening and not coming back and how they were all worried for them. Heart kept rebutting those statements. His evidence? That is him dying. Before They up and died painfully in your arm like what they always said, you rebuff by saying that they’re not alone. Last words still chill your pusher “You guys are just my imaginations, even if you feel so real. So, I’m actually dying in a dirt floor under the sunlight. On a bus stop, I think. I actually don’t have all of you but just that one. And that one betrayed me and I'm finally going to be at peace because there’s no one left to care about me.”_

_With that, both you and light saw the dead eyes closed and their blood pusher stopped._

_You cried hard and uncharacteristically. Light’s constant bright glowy state actually dimmed from the event._

_And the rest is history._

Fuck. You gotta stop remembering that stupid idiot for making you cry.

You gotta. Shit.

You even start doing his little quirky speech.

You guys weren’t even high level yet. But you’re controlling your power a bit by trying to steal the information from this control system.

“focus, FOCUS.”

Bright teal sparkles come out of you. Even, your power reminds you of Heart. You will never be glad of this power till you actually save Heart. Because? Because you can’t save what’s yours without him.

Whatever information you took, you found out you can save Heart. By what those consorts saying, to bring Heart to that god stone. It didn’t work. Why? His literal Heart is not here. Stolen away to somewhere. That somewhere is another session.

Now, they are just finding his soul. Even, Life can’t search that far. Void helped by telling him about the control system. The system that you’re typing.

===> **Can we speed up the session’s timeline?**

 **\--- > Answer: **Yes. In order to speed the session timeline, **Player** Time is needed to further the timeline.

===> **If not? Would we have to wait?**

\---> **Answer:** Yes.

Fucking great. Now all they have to do is find Malcom. Leaving the control system here would be absolutely fine to him. Because he can find it again.

===>

===>

===>

===> **Player** Mind **has left**

===> **Requests: Proceeding to cover the following commend after this commend**

===> **Accepted: the following commend and the previous two commend will be covered and be unable to be seen by the players of the session #BHZ013**

===> **Proceed to continue the story**

* * *

===> **BARD OF HEART: Please recount the 1 month, 1 days, 7hr45mins40sec’s events after the events of MAKE HER PAY’s aftermaths. Please do not be too direct like earlier recount. Please be detailed and add your inner monolog to explain your action to the viewers.**

What? like I have some sick fucks that read my minds to tell a story. I actually have an audience that won’t back down from my stupid inner monologs to the things that I do? Well, LUCKY YOU! You don’t get my monolog to brag about why I did things and why I did that within the event to fill the mindless text.

That is stupid and very tiring to understand one’s action to do that. It’s like filling up some excuse to stan behind the action why they did it and it was all for the sake of this stupid ass motherfucking story. And not only that but also-

===> **BARD OF HEART: Please recount the 1 month, 1 days, 7hr45mins40sec’s events after the aftermath of MAKE HER PAY’s event.**

FINE

In the aftermaths of what you called MAKE HER PAY’s event, I found out within the brain of my smart clogged machine that I just save TEREZI PYROPE from the resulting of burning to death, unconsciously. And the one that prodded me to do so was her lusii that is the huge egg which I planned to eat.

Why they even asked me to save her?

I have no idea. Which didn’t make sense because from what I collective remember from the mess of my sponge that the lusii have capability to control and put her back in her hive when they were mind controlled to bring her at the first place.

What else?

Oh yeah!

I stayed in the forest to continue my exploration. I was very curious on how the plants here didn’t burn.

I don’t remember why I was curious about that when it was obvious from the start. Following that I made mind-ravelling surprise noodle think pan that I kept messing up my terminology with some other terminology that I have no idea about.

Like what is elephant??? They are trunkbeast that is able kill us all with their own strength. They are gigantic and have no mercy when crushing our ribs- FUCK! Torso Pillar! To tuber paste.

I am NOT PANICKING from this. Showing a weakness means being kill, fuck, CULLED! And this is not the reason why you were panicking. You are a cold-hearted monster that have…

What was your blood colour???

_Red_

No that’s not right

**Blue**

_THAT’S NOT RIGHT EITHER_

I spent couple of hours trying to find out the memories of the blood colour in the forest clearing. Before mentally kick myself out of the stupor, to cut myself out that white ass arm to find out once and for all! Which was very hard at that point because somehow, you can’t even tear your own skin up like a proper troll. Fuck. You don’t know if you’re actually a proper troll.

You have several memories of you being a pink skinned, soft furred, troll shaped being without horns. You even have memories where you were a girl or boy or having weirdest nook.

You even have memories where you popped some acid stub with probechute from your face. Wait was that acne in your face as troll?? NO! you didn’t have those mutation in your face. It was probably some pink skinned furbeast that got those.

It was all confusing as fuck that you didn’t notice that, in the process where you were just doing this weak shaking form in mid-air. While going to much dimmer place.

Huh, say your brain. Even this planet has different time zone. This was shown from the darker side of the planet where the ( _holy shit, I’m okay with red giant star’s heat? That’s fucking awesome!_ ) sun shadowed that part of the place.

You only stopped once you seen other buildings in the distance. It’s night here in this part of the planet. You wondered how troll was able to communicate with their hate friends in the different time zone. You completely forgot to tell the other kids that came out of their hive. All bloodied in full cerulean colour last time.

One-armed and one-eyed crippled. That troll kids would be able to come far even if they are cerulean blood. You know this from your similar blood friends (who?) that if they found crippled from one of the functioning part _(legs, arms, eyes)_ , they would be part of some rainbow in the church where they become canon fodder, and losing other remaining part to full colour.

Of course, somehow your role in this weird dream that to save these kids from certain doom. But there was no prodding this time, weirdly that huge spider seems to hunger for the kid. Well too bad because you want some of that cerulean meat. You did propose that to your friend, and they were delicious. In blood, of course. What kind of monster do you think I am to eat my own friends?

Drooling after that kids, you came closer to the building to get that kid. Just when you thought you could have some blue meat (so delicious! The blood is salty!), a Neigh came out of nowhere and a centaur came out of the building next to it.

Grabbed my food and trying to fly away from it, a robot head came and hit me from the top. That made me dropped my food to the centaur lusii. I turned around to see a blueblood. A very tiny blueblood with arrows as their horn.

It was annoying but that tiny kid sure has a good amount of strength to push you off. It’s almost impressive. That blueblood can be one heck of a ruffiannihilator. You left with lightened heart from a good strife. That is one detail you will hold to death. Wait you’re dead anyway, so you might as well hold it to your soul.

===> **BARD OF HEART: Please continue to recount the following days after the aftermaths**

Well, Let’s just say that After that very nice and exhausting strife, I went back to the hive that I first appeared. Which is the beach.

Slept there because, I can’t be ass to drag myself to much better shelter to sleep. SO sandy beach it was. The warm of the (BIG RED SUN, HOT, HOT! IM BURNING)sun rocked me to sleep. It was hot but very warm. Just like how cat- purrbeast sleeps under the shade of the sun.

I see their reasoning as valid, comfy and toasty to sleep. It was the best sleep ever. Sure, it was sandy as fuck. To spit out some few sand out of my dark mouth. I woke up to that kid, whom I throw in their hive with glass shards.

Still high. Still stupid.

This, shit-for-brain, actually got some guts to sleep next to me. Drooling sopor out of his mouth. Waiting. For what? For whom?

To what extend a troll taken such suicidal way to sleep next to a unknown lusus and on a increasingly bright day? No Troll would of course. With an actual brain.

Huffed out and dragged this kid to his bed- **Recuperacoon,** I meant. **Fuck** it.

Whatever I say, thought, inner monolog out in this very text. It meant for _troll things_ and bed is _recuperacoon_ and whatever _terminology_ comes to my mind.

===> **Understood**

Whatever.

That might make things easier.

So following routine of…?

===> **1 month, 18hr36mins20sec**

Right. That.

I gotten this stupid routine of dragging this GAMZEE character to their hive. Gently. No more throwing him toward the windows _(which was fixed)_ , no more HISSING VERY LOUDLY to his face and dunk him to the recuperaccon, no more trying to scare him in the front door so that he won’t come out of the hive again. Just regular boring, gentle draggin his ass back to the bed during the eve of the sun rising.

Because making so much futile effort to not make gamzee show up in the beach is exhausting. No matter how much you do, he keeps coming out to the beach and sit there, eating soper and waits. Waited till the sun peeked out and I have to drag his ass again.

I wanted to make the beach my property. Because that sunset is beautiful, and you have been missing the beach from being cooped up in the hive.

_??_

_You never coop up in the hive????_

_??? You don’t think you been cooped up???_

Pushing aside.

MY BEACH. MY PROPERTY.

I can’t make gamzee move because his hive is just there and you're pretty sure from the attempt that you can’t push the building to another spot.

Bastard giggled at your effort.

===> **BARD OF HEARTS: why did you want to eat the troll?**

Stupid question.

Gets stupid answer.

IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS CURIOUS. I gets hungry in this dream or afterlife or whatever. And I wanted to try if I could eat some troll because I always wondered that… would some blood taste like human food? I think.

I have no idea where these character like strawberry or fanta purple come from but it sound delicious. I wondered and I did try some blue blood, thanks to that friend.

I also wondered if lusus have a taste. Too bad eating your own arm can’t work when your instinct said no.

It’s troubling but. It very concerning that there is this anxious feeling when I tried some lusus for real.

I have ate some tinkerbells bugs and it’s very chocolatey. Wanted more, I chased after the groups of tinkerbells and caught several of them. While chewing some of their head, I got this heavy feeling that sparks in the empty chest that I SHOULDN’T eat it.

Every time I ate them alive and they scream **_(hehehhehe)_** , the dread feeling grows and consume my chest. Sure, I can push it off

but

But

 **Something in me** doesn’t want to.

It’s like the time with both two kids, that **something** prompts me to do this and not do this. It didn’t happen with that crippled blueblood.

It just happens sometimes. Especially this purple blood, it just keeps coming back saying

_Help him_

_Don’t let him burn_

_Stay_

_Please save him_

_Save his soul_

~~ Eternal servant needs a break from his prison ~~

_Please_

_Please_

And that continues on and on, in more than one way. It plagues your mind every single time he appears in the beach. Kinda why you tried so hard in half the month to chase him off. Now, you’re just settling in these eternal voices that plague your head. Did I mention voices? They all sound the same.

Kept repeating over and over again. Every single time. In that same damn voice of your… _(you don’t know what to call her anymore. You know it’s her who killed you but._ _You’re so upset that it actually happened)_ your… that one’s voice.

Everytimes it shows up, you feel a pang of sadness and you wanted to cry, rage your sadness for them to go away. **Heh**. Sometimes being a long-time friend to a person/troll, can makes you believed in them so much and hard even if their action says otherwise.

In these types of periods of sadness, you would fly to the high sky. Trying to choke yourself, burn yourself in order to _feel something_ other than that. It was pointless struggles. You know you don’t have the guts to end this dream. A nightmare you can called it.

But this long and haven’t even woke up?

You try to deny that you will be permanently stay in this realistic dream. Some may say that no dream would be this realistic. Well, I would say they never seen the terrible potential of a dream.

You once dreamed you and your…. ~~Friend~~ at that time adventuring in some weird palaces that kept showing up. _High red pillars with so much fog in the way_ , that would always teleport you both to some weird place. You remember there was a world fill with _technology that a scientist would say impossible_. A car that can reduce in the size of a key-chain, to pocket in the jacket. Helicopter with impossible structure, huge airship with their own airport. It was a dream world.

But

You remember the fact that you came back distraught before your real death, that your friend introduces you to someone. Who you rejected. Then whatever happened in that dream, you came very angry and ripped the sheet of paper.

And

You were shot.

In the head.

Very vividly felt the bullet through your skull and into your sponge.

Painless as you dropped on the floor, dead.

You were terrified when you woke up. But there was a strange calm to that. You were terrified and at the same time calm about it.

And it didn’t stop from there.

While being weakened, you had several nightmare that repeats over and over again. Reality blended in your dream to the point, you don’t know when you’re awake and asleep. Something happens that unsettled the room which I, unwillingly, stayed with the occupants.

I know when I was not wanted.

Years of reading the room when you don’t know how to actually feel in an empty heart.

Left and came back.

Have some more nightmares of being repeated terrors, dayterrors, nightterrors and repeated deaths. _(It’s funny too. That you remember that troll have dayterrors but you at that time conveniently forgot)_

To the day that I fucked up.

Being the Bard of Heart sure is hard. You know you inherently destroy things, even you don’t have emotion before. But

It sure is hard to have your heart, who didn’t have all type of feeling that all beings have, clench so hard on the betrayal. To realize that all the effort on solving that shit? Was my fault? That I, solely was the one that cause my death?

Of course. I’m the absolutely shithead that trusted. That respected the relationship, in order to try and make it up.

I should have never tried to understand emotion in order to feel for it.

Because best thing to have heart? Is realizing not having the heart was the best.

===> **BARD OF HEART: Be Gamzee Makara.**

Motherfuck.

Maybe Later.

Heads hurt,

Thoughts empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter would be troll, 
> 
> Promise.


	5. Reality is slipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thing gets a bit slippy.
> 
> And got slipped to----------
> 
> Gamzee is a bit unreliable narrator.

===> **BARD OF HEART: Be Gamzee Makara. Repeat.**

Woah. What’s all that new voice up in my head?

This would be another new voice that popped up in this sweep.

Wake up. Clean slime. Baked some pie. Troll Karkat till almost daylight. Then go out with that baked pie and eat while waiting for goatdad till passing out on the sand beach and then wake up on recuperacoon has been the daily occurrence for gamzee makara, 3 sweeps old’s life.

Ever since that weird burning lightshow and the weird motherfucker came out and slam dunked you in your windows, you have been dilly daily doing this for past…

You don’t know the time since then. Most you know is that goatdad still haven’t came back for 2? 3? Months now.

Wake up. Clean slime. Prayed to the Mirthful Messiah. Baked some pie. Troll Karkat till almost daylight. Then go out with that baked pie and eat while waiting for goatdad till passing out on the sand beach and then wake up on recuperacoon has been the daily occurrence for gamzee makara, 3 sweeps old’s life.

Ever since that weird burning lightshow and the weird motherfucker came out and slam dunked you in your windows, you have been dilly daily doing this for past…

You don’t know the time since then. Most you know is that goatdad still haven’t came back for 2? 3? Months now.

You started to lost count on the days and months of this sweep since you found soper and their _wonderful, blissful,_ high that left you aching for more.

It was nice.

You only began baking some pies after trying to eat raw slime and throwing up with bitter taste. Then your husktop shows you ways of baking and their wonders.

_HEHEHEHEHEHEHE_

_HAHAHAHAHAHA_

_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

**=== > GAMZEE MAKARA: Focus. **

And then the side effect.

Or what you called the motherfucking downlow and sad. Just sad sad sad till you put your point stump in that pie and into your waiting squawk gaper. Then all those noises dull and quiet to your wandering mind.

Sometimes you forgot to eat.

Sometimes you forgot to drink.

But that where the faygo helps. You can drink it till your tract full and stop all the grumbling and also have nice dizzy sensation.

It was weird.

But it lets you smile and happy.

It makes all the time goes away and you didn’t even remember being sad.

It makes you all cuddly and warm.

‘HONK’ stepping a horn and making it go honk HONK.

It makes you laugh at the things that keeps falling down and makes surprise to you. And it’s so funny.

You went to your husktop and play SCREAMING music to drown in it. It is fun. You took your Book of Dark carnival and stare at the inked writing till you forgets to remember to read it and close like you have the best read.

It’s almost daylight.

Time is slipping out of your own purple hands and running away.

It’s time to go to the beach for…

Yeah goatdad.

You’re glad to have made 2 pies each day and have the last one during this. It became a nice pass time. ~~And it hurts less.~~

Sitting in the dusty floor. Or beach, you once heard from that miracle lusus said once. It always fascinating to you because this thing?? Is rock??? But TINY ROCK??? It supposed to hurt when being hit by this, but it makes you tingle and not hurt. Just like the stardust you bought from the Dark Carnival’s site.

It escapes your grasps and when you throw it, it goes back to the beach floor acting like it was supposed to belong there?

Miracles

That is always to be glad of and sent thanks to your Messiah.

You grab the baked slime and send the last thought away from your mind. ‘Would that lusus be there again? To pick me up?’

To not dwell in those thoughts. Because it’s been awhile, and they never failed to come and pick him up.

It is nice to feel protected by a lusus’s arm.

_How long have you not been carried to bed by goatdad?_

You need more. The voice is not drowning.

_WHY WOULD YOU STAY WAITING?_

_He won’t be back. IT’S BEEN-_

You slurped a large chunk of baked slime to finally stop them.

**=== > GAMZEE MAKARA: Do not cry.**

Why would he cry? It’s okay. He can wait for goatdad till he comes back. He always does.

Another high and another warm burgundy red fills the dark blue sky as the sun rises. Another night goatdad doesn’t come. Your high hasn’t gone down yet, so you say, “I can wait forever, goatdad.” Hoping that he can hear you. “Just come back with a motherfucking present.”

And then you pray. You don’t how to pray properly yet. But you know that if you close your eyes and hoped really hard, you believe the messiahs will send those words with their own chosen angels.

And speaking of angel.

They came.

This time you can see them. You always did pass out for whatever reason while waiting. You never know why your body betrayed like this. Right now, you’re awake and can see them,

Descending in pure white being, floating in front of you with wings that never shown itself.

Lusus never speak, just hiss and somehow you get them enough to know what they are saying. And you think. Against the Radiating red and the high you still have; you think that you can hear them speak.

“Fucking hell, this is a lot of times now. Staying out.”

And it’s grating and very trollish speak and hurts. But also, nice nice nice

It’s been awhile since you heard a voice with a squawk gaper to put. You’re being carried off to your hives, like it knows that you won’t move at all.

“Come on now. For once I need your kitchen”

And sometimes it says words that doesn’t make sense. What’s a kitchen???

**=== > Gamzee Makara: Wake up next day.**

You think you know what a kitchen is now. In the block where you made your protein chunk (you haven’t had that for a while) and soper pies, there is a lots of grub sauce staining the meal block.

If you look closely, you sure you can see some white flesh on the sink. The smell of fresh meat stain your nub. And if you’re being honest to your wicked self for once, it’s freaking you out.

You hide in your block and took out you husktop to contact your best bro to cool down your freak.

Besides, you’re not high enough to handle this, but the voices are quiet means that they are still there.

* * *

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ \---> **Skip**. 

* * *

Gamzee ran away

He ran hard and fast from whatever that is chasing him.

He can’t keep this up. This pretense that his religion is something to be hated for. When he was still a young troll. Younger than now, He got his first book of Dark carnival. Thinking it was great that the Mirthful Messiah came and created the world, allowed the troll kind to forget their creators. But those that are faithful to the messiah would be send to their promised paradise.

He can take it that his friends don’t understand his religion, but he can take the mockery of his own livelihood. He would put his faith high and continue to hold on to it.

It’s the only thing that holds him sweetly in the days where he waited goatdad.

He was so confused when goatdad never came back on his promised returns.

He waited

He prayed

He holds his magic and drink faygo to continue the tradition.

He waited till the sun rise and burn his grey skin.

He did all of what a good little troll did, faithful to the point and loyal. So why?

Why is he being mocked for his effort?

Everything seems come for him and going against him. Gamzee always thought that this was a test given by his gods to test his faith. But this was beyond cruel

_Thing is kid, if your lusus doesn’t come back soon, you might get cull unprotected. You’re a highblood so they might give you a new one._

**Why are you still outside of this beach?**

_Have you thought that maybe? HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU??????_

_He will never come back_

_Why would he come back?_

_He will never come back_

**You still waiting for him huh?**

_Square up you shit for brain; you just don’t want to believe that he left you._

Maybe Gamzee just wanted to hold on the idea that his goatdad is out in the sea looking after him even if he can’t see it.

Is that such a bad thing to do?

He indulges in sopor pies because what the fuck else he should do?

The book said it’s fine to have a little indulge because Messiah pity them for their suffering in both daymare and self-wonder. If the book said it’s fine, then Its motherfucking fine.

Sure, the pies make him wobbly and spacey but that’s the miracle of said fine pies and drinks. It made him forget the troubles and made him so giggly.

When that thing knocks his pie away and started to yell at him, He couldn’t understand why they do this and why he keeps mocking him and kept being mean to him. He thought he gotten along in some sort of miraculous friendship. But the thing hiss at him and started to spit poison on him.

They poison on his religion, his holds on his belief, his faith and put him face to face to the things that he kept running from. He ran from it by his own hope, they bring him down from the cloud of acid.

They are so scary. They are like those Angel that gear his fear up and chill his own bone. His own chucklevoodoo react to it. It twists their image to something terrifying. It’s scary.

He’s so scares

They are so scary

Why

Why is his own body fight against him?

_KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL HIM_

He didn’t understand.

The day after they were gone, like it was never appeared. He wanted to find them. For whatever reason, their company kept the voices down. The same voices that kept telling him he so worthless, that poison on his mind. Just like how they did, that thing that is there nearby. It hurts.

It never ends, the pies dull it.

He knows that he found that… Angel thing. He knows by the slowly quiet in his mind. It always does that. The voices run away as soon as he’s near them.

He found them.

In a pool of green, brown, purple, teal, blue colour.

Sitting in the centre is them, chewing at something.

Each bite keeps spreading the pool of rainbow.

It’s horrible

It’s _beautiful_

It’s scary.

So so _scary._

Gamzee gasped in his little hideout of bushes. He creates a noise that stopped that scary beautiful thing, and they turned. Their jaw filled with colourful puddle, dripping down to the ground. Their usual white stained with rainbows of colour, they smiled like it’s the best time to do.

“come out little one”

the thing gets and stands in full gory of colour and battle pose, ready to kill another. “It would be best to go down with a fight”

Their eyes, empty of nothing but just white, turn from the usual bored dazed look to something dark, and the dark lines seems to connect in a way to look likes eyes.

“Well? Come out come out little whatever~”

They can’t find him, he just alerts the thing _, their little company, showing up always to carry him back home,_ that someone is here.

If he could, he can run from them.

He.

I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT THING IS STILL VISITING YOU. YOU SHOULD REALLY START WATCHING OUT BECAUSE YOU KNOW DIPSHIT, LUSII EATS TROLLS THAT ISN’T THEIRS.

He never thought that it would be true. That maybe, this thing was just waiting for him to be bigger and meatier to eat.

Gamzee back away, he doesn’t know why he come for that thing when he got goatdad.

The next word comes out of his Angel almost made him drop from fear

“There you are”

Gamzee ran.

That’s why he ran and continue. He knows his white paint is tainted with his purple tear. Gasping at the air from fear, angst, anger, and sudden emptiness of what he seen and what he heard yesterday. He can’t keep the purple tear running. He’s high and emotionally high as well. When you’re high and scare, they mess you up so bad.

Things don’t make sense anymore

Why did goatdad left him? Why did everyone say his religion is something to be throw away? Why is everyone so against him on pie and faygo? Why can’t everyone be hopeful for once?

Why?

Why?

WHY IS THERE MOTHERFUCKING VOICE TELLING ME TO KILL ALL MY FRIENDS????

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SUFFER THIS INJUSTICE???

MAYBE HE CAN MOTHERFUCKING BE GONE

Maybe then all of his friend be relief he’s gone

MAYBE HE COULD MAKE THEM FEEL IT

Maybe it’s better to take the next step in this motherfucking plane

“Oh, it’s just you.”

Startled out of his stupefy and all at once the deafening voices goes quiet. Just like before, he can’t hear it anymore. He looks back to see the angel clean and no rainbow colour. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Narrowing their eyes, “I never seen you anywhere other than beach, so what’s the occasion?” smiling in their lazy grin.

Gamzee can’t see any of the terrify monster. It’s like it never happen.

Where was that. THE TERRIFYING MONSTER THAT CHASES HIM?

“What the mother fuck?” he didn’t mean to let that out, but it came out

“What the mother fuck what?” They copied. It seems harmless but

“Stop mocking me” cold angry voice came out; it wasn’t him but it’s his voice. The thing looks confuse.

“Stop what?” They copied again

“Stop doing that” Gamzee point at them, accusingly. The thing looks at the pointing point stump and back at Gamzee with slight unknown expression. To be honest, every look the thing make is an unknown expression. He only learns of anger just yesterday. How could he? When there is no one there to show him?

The thing- no, **Angel** , raise its hands in shrug like it doesn’t know what it’s doing “What?”

“DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD” Voice, panic and angry, like it’s facing its own death. And Gamzee can’t fault it- their- HIS VOICE to be this shaky. How could he not? When this angel, merciful in their care of bringing gamzee to recuperacoon, shows this, that they can talk and not hiss like the Angel in the Dark Carnival book and eats like the haunting image that comes to gamzee.

No. Gamzee isn’t angry at the fact that they could talk. It’s probably the soper again. Messing him up. But He can’t stop.

That monster. WHY IS IT SO SCARY TO HIM?

“Are you real?”

He thinks he can hear the voices telling him how stupid of a question it is. But it doesn’t. It felt so real and so so fake to him.

They hiss at him like a lusus and kept flickering into that the poison being. Even now, they are flickering to that poisonous being. Black as the adult trolls then back white lusus.

It’s coming toward him.

“Hey. What the fuck kind of question is that?”

What the fuck is right. Why is everything so twisted and why is everything scary?

“oh. OH.”

Everything is spinning, the surrounding turning purple. His chucklevoodoo is going crazy. Why. WHY IS IT HURTING HIM?

Suddenly everything turns blindingly purple, then pink, then back to purple.

His face is wet. It’s been wet from the run but it’s wetter.

Something hugging him, it’s-

Lusus white.

“Hissss” And the hiss.

His chucklevoodoo is still going strong? He thinks. So Why is it not going away? Gamzee know that somewhere in his mind, that he knows that the light and the lusus thing was just something his mind made up and never real. He never wants it to go. It was. Something.

But right now.

The Angel is not gone. The terrifying Angel is not disappearing.

“Fucking hell kiddo. You’re High as fuck and not getting the shit you need.”

And it’s talking. You’re waiting for it to go back to darker and poisonous being again.

“What the fucking hell do you think I am? Your lusus? Fuck if I do. Your never appear in the time I seen you in the beach.”

It doesn’t.

It stayed the same and this rough voice is staying too.

Gamzee finally touches the lusus and his heart leaped when he feels the soft feeling(?) under his hand that didn’t disappear.

They have been. Always far apart, whenever they are close. He was never sure of the realness. And the thing when it made those voice quiet, made him questioned. The evidence is there, and he hold it tighter.

Gamzee pretty sure that his makeup and his purple tears is rubbing on to the Angel’s white soft thing. He felt his chucklevoodoo running low and quiet. So is his high. He whimpers a pray to not let this one go. Shit, He’s going to have a wicked daymare.

“Mmm. You’re still eating that shit but not the other shit?”

Nodding while not raising his head. Not trusting his voice. It has been going crazy and spouting things that’s not true.

“Fuck. How many sweeps are you? Bet your 2-sweep old or something. You’re tiny as hell and just developing your own chucklevoodoo. Whatever did you see to have you so freak?”

You don’t say what you saw. You don’t think it’s even real. You don’t want it to be real.

“Well whatever, Let’s get you back home- fuck. Back to Hive. I meant”

Gamzee doesn’t know what home is. But he hoped that it’s something good to eat. He holds on tighter because the angel is flying and he doesn’t want to be a purple splash in the canvas of the floor.

He noted that he’s sober after the running and the emotion shit. There is no voice that comes after all that. It’s quiet whenever Angel is around.

He doesn’t want the silent to go.

**=== >Gamzee Makara: How do you do?**

He has no idea now.

But he sure wants the voice to be quiet now.

Quiet 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting here for 2 months and I just post this,,,,
> 
> ugh


	6. It's boring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boring chapter. The aftermath
> 
> btw ' ' or italic word are thoughts  
> " " is speech.

Nobody is motherfucking perfect. If everyone is perfect, then no one would be flawed.

Everyone is just a wretched ball of self.

===> **BARD OF HEART: Make sense of what you’re doing.**

‘Cutting up something that vaguely looks like a cabbage is what I been doing.’ Bard of Heart thoughts as they cut the strange blueish leafy ball. They don’t know why but the title of Bard of Heart doesn’t bother him a lot nor why it ever raises a question in the time they been staying in this weird ass dream.

They don’t think it’s a dream anymore.

Scattered thoughts bring them some weird tightness on the location of the chest as they keep thinking they should have a name other than the title.

‘What was it that the title brings such things into my head. Dream are supposed to be foggy and go with the flow.’ They stabbed the white meat near them into small pieces. ‘It feels too grounded.’

Its not a dream anymore. 

They blinked and the meat is diced already. Juices splatter around it. Their eyes narrow at what seem like skipped time.

‘It feels like a dream.’

\---> **BARD OF HEART:** is provided with a name. Inserted BH.

BH turn on the stove on and put the gurbmaker in the crisprange. ‘What- Crisprange??? That’s the troll name for stove???’

BH turn confuse at the weird terminology as pain settle in his sponge. ‘What I give for panadol. Right BH. Make those food that you remember. Wait What-’ BH. These two words bring more pain within in their brain.

It feels right to call themself as BH but wrong at the same times. It’s not what they… call a name.

A name.

They been here in this world for months and They never thought of something so simple as a name to come across their mind.

‘What have I been doing?’

Of course, They know. They been theorizing on some weird ass planet on their ecosystem and distract themself with calming the beach as their. Even if there was already someone living, they wasted their time on scaring the kid away like some colonizing, head-in-the-ass barbarian.

That and includes some minor injuring a kid and then settle in a routine with bring that kid in their hive after seeing kid’s bony ass half burn to wait for what?

‘Whatever that was, that thing better appreciate some damn loyalty from the kid.’

They dropped the colour diced meat to the pain and watch as the fat melt into oil.

===> **Bard of Heart: Suggest to meddle in the affair?**

Fuck no.

If anything, they remember from the day they died, it’s that meddling is fucking suck and bring you down to death.

‘Though…’ BH is dead in the most pathetic way on dirt road of a bus stop. They can’t double die, right? ‘Till death do us apart… hehe’ Such vow bring irony on their situation. They are dead and they should be free from the burden of the fled life.

But then this responsibility drops from NOWHERE to their lap. As if caring for a kid is something they should do, after the whole thing shows that they are unable to care for someone.

Bitter taste, it brings to their mouth.

Just thinking of the event resulting to their end, just bring old forgotten anger and edging despair. And without their other clown friend, all they feel is

_why they didn’t fucking listen?_

_Wasn’t I someone who they considered to be important?_

_3 sweeps. 3 fucking sweeps of never-ending friendship._

_Shouldn’t we be almost pale?_

We were almost pale 

Burning flesh tickle their nose and bringing them back to current reality. ‘Oh yea. I’m cooking my favourite… I think my favourite dish.’ Diced meat with some veggie. ‘Ah I miss rice.’ At this point, BH doesn’t care that they never have rice in their life but freckled memory told them they did.

They been struggle with word and terminology and sudden knowledge from nowhere, that they got used to it and just went along.

‘Time to see how two meat taste! Cooked and uncooked! Man, Raw is nice but I want some variety.’

Hmm… Maybe it’s just them but the raw tasted old already. The cooked one taste like what they used to tasted burned meat. Nevermind them actually got the meats after tugging in the kids in the bed. So the time from the kill to now isn’t the issue. Maybe it’s the distance? They carry the meats at their back is leaking from the top.

But it stopped after some distance.

Oh. OH! Maybe it’s the red sun burning the meats at the high heat. That would explain the burned taste on the cooked and the old taste in the meat. Maybe They should eat it on the fly?

Or they could cook the meat while the sun is still up.

===> **Bard of Heart: Skip to the cooking part. No one wants to see gutting part.**

BH is pretty sure that they forgot to clean the kitchen. But the kiddo won’t freak about some little grub sauce. Would they? Gamzee is small and probably young. They won’t freak.

You’re pretty sure about that.

The slowly cooked meats is pretty. Especially the way the colour hits the light _just right._ It would look like damn good steak.

Huh. Another new word.

It almost the nightfall by the time the meat is cooked. The blazing sun went down and cool night rise like being wrapped in air-conditioned room. Sometime, during these slow moments, BH look at the night sky and how much they wanted to get away from _somewhere_. They remember loving the night sky as it rocks them to sleep.

‘Hmm…. I’m being melodramatic to my old life.’ They breath in the cold night breezes into their lungs and look toward the pink and green moon as if they are the character in a foreign world thinking about their old world.

‘Which memory is mine?’ Somber look cast upon their face as conflicting memories suggest that they are in fact, _Human, feathered being, dead, demon._ But were they a troll like gamzee?

They shook the thoughts with chowing down the meats. It was delicious. As a sun powered slow cooked meat is. It is also dry. So very dry that the juice from the raw meat fill up in their mouth to compensate for lack of juice.

They seat as the juice of the meat spill everywhere. The color of rust staining them in their white glory, made them felt so much better. Due to 2 reason.

One is that they remember eating so much rust-colored meat as their meal with white rice to fill. And it felt right eating red color meat, rather than bright color such as blue, cerulean, brown or olive. It brings comfort for one of the scattered memories or Self as BH called it.

Another was that when BH kill rust-blooded animal, they took their anger out from similar color-blooded traitor. It brings them such joy to see the blood spill as they work on their anger. _It’s wrong. Killing them is wrong. Killing is wrong._

And they bring more clarity as they try not to suppress the wrongness of the act. It’s as if bringing the wrongness would bring better grounding, from themself or what all these memories scream at them of who they are.

Then again. They never have much of personality if they do say so. It’s something from what they found out about their ancestor.

_They tries so hard to find the connection on why they were gone._

“Hiss…”

BH stopped at their gross stuffing in their face as they turn around. Whatever it was, it might be frozen in fear. ‘I am quite a sight.’ Their look of a crazed lusus eating another lusus, dripping with the rust blood from their jaw, can be frightening.

One of the memories bring up in their space, as the self’s instinct to scare the curious troll for shit and giggle overruns. With practiced motion, they brought their best murderous smiles in their face, assuming it was one of those curious trolls from the city they visited.

With voice gasping in low whisper but loud enough to be heard, “come out little one”

Their body tense as they fall in place of hunched position, making sure that their hand digs in the dirt to make scratching noise. What for? For THE THEATRIC HORROR AND SUSPENSE. Rising in full height, they noted that they can seek the terrified eyes in bushes.

In glee of finding the prey in the hiding, “Well? Come out come out little whatever~”

Pretended to look around, they felt the flicker of young troll power. That’s just narrow down to 3 blood. Rust, Gold and Purple. Common to have those blooded to have power like this.

**Enough with the suspense. Just get to it.**

“There you are”

And like typical. The troll ran away.

“Pff- HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Oh man. Never gets dull. Though.”

Disappointing. No scream? Or even those funny frighten face to enjoy? It just didn’t reach the joy of scaring. But it’s enough to satisfied them.

‘Ah whatever.’

There won’t be no consequences on scaring a little troll. Whoever they are.

* * *

===> **Bard of Heart: Be hit with consequences**

**Well Fuck.**

What in the fuck.

 _How did you screw this one up?_ ‘I don’t fucking KNOW!’ BH thought-speak away those wandering voices/self. BH was holding a tiny ass clown clinging to him like it’s his dear hope and dreams. And honestly? They think this one is deserved.

Fucking scared the hell out of Gamzee to the point that his own chucklevoodoo decided that it’s time hatch out of it shell from the old closet set. Is this how his other purple-friend/teammate/diseasemate got her chucklevoodoo on? Extreme case of Anger or Fear? No fucking wonder that she ends up with a moirail.

Plus with the green-goo drugsoup thing-(Soper pie) speeding the fuck of that voodoo-shit development, is no wonder that it went against the host themself.

Have I Fucking Mentioned That He Fucking Didn’t Eat Nothing But Soper Pie? 

Shit, it almost went batshit crazy to full hysterical mode. Good thing that hiss thing actually work.

Like if this shitter keeps eating the goo till his teen, he might as well go for voodoo-blood rage.

Something is tickling in BH’s head as if it’s reminding them of something important again. But BH doesn’t remember.

‘Whatever.’ BH thoughts as they have a more pressing matter to get to. Like How the heck are they gonna get out of this predicament.

Everything was nice and smooth for BH to tug that little shit down it’s bed till they found out. Gamzee isn’t letting them go at all.

Even worse. Gamzee fell asleep during the flight. ‘How the fuck?’ BH thoughts race to at that moment then their logical mind went ‘Well shit. Ain’t body got time for daymare’ and sat their ass in the be- ‘Recuperacoon’ Their voices correct themself.

Now they’re just stuck there with their belly being submerge in the slime because that’s where Gamzee go koala himself there.

Everything is fine.

They’re not bored.

They are fucking fine with this.

===> **BARD OF HEART: Recollection**

Recollection? Recollection of what? Be specific there. IF anything, there’s a lot of thing to recollect here.

**=== >BARD OF HEART: Recollection of \--** why you say its voices or self rather than scattered memory?

‘Huh’ BH thought really hard on this question as if this question was not a question itself. It’s true that they got tons of memory out of nowhere like a slap to their head. But it never come to mind that this itself is an issue.

And if one can say-

Not every memory is mine nor is theirs. Isn’t it right to call those as its own Self? 

Does this one even has an identity?

_ No I don’t. _

-And as far as BH remembers their troll life is starting to be faded along with all the other important things like name of whoever that purple-friend was.

Only this remain.

These memories that BH doesn’t even know which is their own old life.

Now for the voices, BH thinks on a rambled essay on one of those late-night creative writing of why they say it’s a voice thing can be summarized as ‘Fuck if I know. They just keep telling me to do thing that I don’t really care about. So might as call them voices.’

===> **Be interrupted.**

Suddenly like a blink and miss type of magic shit, a laptop came out of nowhere and settled in their sight. And within their reach.

Like a bored individual searching for entertainment, They took the laptop and turn it on.

Only to find out they don’t know the language. ‘Fuccccccccccccccccccccccccck.’ BH is reminded once again that they don’t know the language on the trollnet(?) ‘It probably something they call an internet if the terminology pattern is going by.’

Ay. It’s time for some -fucking around in internet- to figure out things.

They probably have… _GrubTube_ …Youtube in these thing. ‘Oh shit. What is what letter again.

Okay going by default keyboard this would be’

And they proceed to fuck around with the keyboard till they landed in GrubTube-lookalike to watch several hours of random content.

Till the sun come up and this koala remove himself out then, several hours of nonsense video it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is gonna be Gamzee.
> 
> After like maybe 2 months. No wait that would be Christmas.


	7. Another Bored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extension of that boring chapter. Gamzee time. 
> 
> He's not so slippery without soper.
> 
> Everything seems so unreal and fake.

Things are so fake and so scary sometimes.

**=== > System: Updating.**

**=== > System: implementation proceed**

**=== > System: Congratulation! You have learned REGRET! A reward will be given to Player ** **HEART** **For unlocking one of the ++++.**

**=== > System: We appraise you for learning the problems of `````` and thereby giving the system to unlock -PERSPECTIVE CHANGE-**

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝ **T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟** =̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ **\--- > Fix BUGs**

**=== > System: BUGs will be fixed during this period.**

**= > PERSPECTIVE CHANGE: -> Gamzee Makara: Dream a little dream**

A troll’s daymare is always violent. Gamzee knows from his earliest memory that it always ends up with him screaming in terror. Goatdad would wake him up and put him into the recuperacoon. Goatdad said that it was before he got arms and legs.

There was a moment where he remembers bits of dreams where it was full of screaming, blood, and violence.

For once it was quiet.

There were no lingering things that should be in the daymare. Gamzee remembered feeling high throughout the dream while seeing all the bright color flashing. When He was younger than now, he could say some missing parts of aligned with him and the flashing lights. He could almost say half of him was returned. But it was not returned. The lights took away parts of him, the part that screams so loud, and left him with nothing. He could say he was broken.

Messiahs are mirthful to their subject and left him with hopes of being return for what was taken so cruelly. **  
**

He remembers in these daydreams of - _Murdering every single one of them as given mission to write the holy word._ Or that he would finally return to somewhere.

Then the voices would come and take him to further spiral. There was none this time.

And all he could see is the flashing lights in far far distance. It used to be close by and consume everything within him till he’s not there.

Now he just looks at the lights with a stony look And feels the encumbering rage toward the lights.

How dare they.

How could they.

Rotten to the core.

Forcibly fused.

Forcibly subdued.

He doesn’t know what to do with it anyway. And just stay… passive.

He then looks around the dark void and sees something strange far away. Something familiar. Something unknown. It flickers and It kept flipping appearance like it never knows which is which or what is what. Whatever it is. It's hornless-troll shaped and It’s just sitting there waiting for something.

Gamzee moved. The distance disappears like it never appeared. like he never moved at all. He moved his hand to what seem to be shoulder and made contact with this Thing. The Thing flinches and glitches, and then settle with full black, then grey comes after the black and then a troll face. Their horns and hair formed before it glitched once more. To a familiar person. It looks at Gamzee with its non-existing pupils and smiles with a lazy familiar grin.

“Heya Kiddo. Heh. You reach out to me”

It stands and took Gamzee in a hug where something gripped his blood pusher and his bulb start leaking purple tears from anguish bladder.

“Come on. Let’s get away from here. You and your friends trapped here.” Friends? What friends?

Then blinding light comes out of the thing's back as Gamzee stared at the growing and glowing bright white wings that weren’t there before. A gentle purple gaze appears and stares from behind the wings. The gazing figure reaches out toward them like a descending angel to bring someone somewhere. 

It was beautiful.

And then Gamzee woke up.

He moves his upper body out of the slime and wipes his face off. _What happens? Why was I?-_ Gamzee feel very sober right now. He is getting a headache and aching from his body… but no voices. _How?_

He looks up to look at the window that was broken before. But it was blocked by-

A sleeping face of the terrifying Angel. Wide eyes stared at the sleeping lusus. _I…_ Then he remembers yesterday's terrifying and embarrassing ordeal. _I was… What was that?_

His ears twitch at the small sound behind him and he saw Grubtube playing Jadeblood challenging to eat only cerulean color grubs. In fact, Gamzee saw the playlist of random videos created by Grubtube for watching different related videos. Then, Gamzee sees random tabs opened in another browser. From His Religious shops to several articles of “real real news” and then stopping before GrubTube is Translation.

He can see translation’s history from tons of gibberish “Aassadwa” to “Egg” to what he THINKS is an old eastern language. “屌你老母” seems very eastern, but Gamzee never seen another troll ever type those word out in his social life. “Motherfucker…” or if his keyboard was able to type those words out. Looking carefully there was a drawing pad to makes letters.

Gamzee was able to connect the piece.

This Angel was able to type out an Eastern Alternian language by drawing out the words. Is that even possible???? “Miracles”

Maybe they can teach him to write another language. He has seen from the church forum that there is another clown writing those words out, followed by other clown’s gibberish.

But first, he has to do his prayers. He went and clean slime. He makes his own pie and put it in the crisprange, then set the timer. It’s clean today. How? He didn’t clean it

He went and clean his naked face and put on the makeup. He turns on his fake fire lights in his Church shrine and start honking the clown horn and prayed for the night.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

-DING-

He hears the oven done and smile at the prepared pie from the glass piece. He’s going to have some wicked beverage today.

How could he not? Today is a miracle day. The Angel went and tucked him in and they’re real.

This time, they stayed with them. It’s a happy day. Gamzee hasn’t had one for a while.

He went to the thermal hull and open…

To see nothing but lusus flesh.

His chucklevoodoo blast to the max. How could he? Why did he kill lusus? Why Why Why Some of the colors changed. blue. olive. brown.  It’s scary. Another lusus is also hunted down. His breathing starts to go fast and shorter. He tried to grab the tabletop but slipped. He felled to the ground as his eyes go wide.

The lump of lusus meat starts leaking blood down. The room is getting wrapped. The hull light turns purple, just like his color.

His ears twitch and his hear duct suddenly hears a “Baaa…” It sounds so similar to goatdad. He looks at the sources of the sound and sees the head of his goatdad. No Goatdad’s yellow pupil stare at gamzee as he-  No nO No nO No nO No nO No nO No nO No nO No nO No nO No freaks. His squawk gaper gaped… and start churning noise “No No…. nO nO…”

He started screaming as the world begins to blacken around him and the purple color brighten. It pulses every time his blood pump beat and-

That’s a lot of freaking out you did. Kiddo

“Woah what the fuck!! Yo! Wait what?!” His body being lifted away from the… the… FRIGHTENING IMAGE.

Half of the view is blocked by the Thing that brought the corpse. The purple flashes. “Hey yo. Kiddo! Listen to my voice right now.” He can’t HE CAN’T “What you’re having right now is full-blown power freak. That means your chucklevoodoo is reacting to everything and twisting it.”

He doesn’t know what that means wheN THAT HULL KEEP HIGHLIGHTING THE HEAD “You just need something to ground you. Here chew this!” The Thing brought the meat towards you. The meat image twist and now you see a troll prong. Gamzee starts freaking even more. why would he think I would eat a troll?! I don’t like this at all!! The thing **glitch**. And Angel is a poisonous **thing**. The white turned **black**. -SHITTY THING YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I WOULDN’T BE SO MERCIFUL

They are spitting poisonous acid. Burning Gamzee’s very being.

HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE ATROCIOUS THINGS THAT THE SO-CALLED FOLLOWER DO?

No. Gamzee denied. The faygo and the pie is a service to the Messiah.

HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE FALSE WORDS IN THEIR BOOK

The Dark Carnival book is never wrong. It is true.

THEIR PROMISE IS UNKNOWN

 _THEY_ promised paradise. The Mercy of Double Death. The ending to unending.

THEY FORCE US TO WORSHIP THEM

 _THEY_ never did. It was their choice. Always their choice. The fellow bloodhood chose this.

THEY ARE WR-- “When a lord walks, he creates the distorted image by his stomps.” Gamzee snaps to the voice that brought the verse from the dark book. “His Muse waved her wand and bring the distorted image to life.” That… was not in the book.

“The Lord and The Muse guide the creation of their plans. Before the image formed, they knew the creation was to be their home. They let it grow to its being and the Being let them in.” It was wrong… and right at the same time. There was no muse at all in the book.

“The Muse brings her image to life as The Lord creates the inner purpose within us. It is their divine plan, and we would carry it to the end.”

Gamzee’s mouth moved “what the fuck is that”

The Ange- No. The **Thing** changes its focus look to a neutral look.” Heya Kiddo. You look more focused now. Good.”

Relentless. Absolute relentless. How dare they mock his religion.  “What? You’re making any sense there, kiddo. You just went from screaming to spaced out to back to living.” He said those words out loud. Why.

He snarls “You just quoted from MY BOOK ‘When a lord walks, he creates the distorted image by his stomps’ And then you added a false verse with it. THAT’S MOCKING!”

The **Thing** dares to look confused as if it’s not even their FAULT “Well that’s weird. I’m sure that… purple friend preaches those verses before. I remember that her moirail helped her to calm down…”

So, it was another one’s false words. Gamzee can’t get mad at the misconception. It happens. Even his best bro’s other friend gets his religion wrong. But- “That was beyond wrong and motherfucking false.” The Th-Angel shrugged “Whatever. They just seem to be a good moirail.” Jealousy spiked; he always wanted a moirail. “Okay. Now you’re focused on this state. Tell me what you’re freaking out about.”

His body buzzes as if there’s energy rolling in him. He notices that the purple glow dimmed a little.

He looks at the hull and still sees the bleeding corpse. “Then what the fuck is THAT” He points with his point stump.

They look and turn back with the most disappointing look. “That’s your nutrition meatblock.”

Huh “What” what-

“I mean I understand the lusus meat freaking you out, but I already put that away. Somehow, you didn’t wake up.” Gamzee blink. Then He blinks twice. And the purple glow disappears afterward, and he sees not a bleeding lusus meat but grubmeat block. but—

“Wasn’t that- How- I fucking swear I saw-” He leaped from the angel’s hold. _They were holding me._ He grabbed the grubblock and it’s a real thing. He bites it. _Yup, it’s grubmeat._ How the fuck did he thinks it’s- He’s not going to finish those thoughts.

“Alright, I know what’s going on now. You’re literally starved” _What- How is that an explanation?_

===> **Gamzee Makara: Get confuse**

THIS IS A STUPID EXPLANATION.

“What does that have to do with it? I eat!” Gamzee knows he ate every day! Faygo and pies! Sometimes He eats the soper with buttery exploded kernels or huskloaf and even churned dairy product!

A Grating voice comes “Well kiddo, you need to fucking eat something other than green slime. Of course, your body freaks. You’re fucking starving.”

Bullshit. He HAS eaten things. “I HAVE eaten something other than the miraculous soper! I’m NOT starving.”

A Mocking grin came from Angel “Tell me the last time you have ‘something’ other than the ‘miraculous’ soper.”

“I had-” He doesn’t remember. He remembers eating them, but he doesn’t know when. when was it

Oh.

The dignified voice went back quiet shame voice. “…I had it when goatdad was here.”

“Goatdad?”

Confusion. Of course, they would be confused. They never have seen his lusus. Gamzee thinks that it was good that he didn’t see goatdad or they would-

“…My lusus…I waited for him on the beach.”

Now shock replace the confusion. Oh, how they would react. “…Would you eat him?”

“Would I eat him??? Kiddo, the lusus I EAT is troll-less. No lusus with their mind /intact/ would they leave their charge. Plus, I only eat rust ones.” That took an unsuspecting heavy feeling lift away from Gamzee. And he didn’t even know he was worried about that till now. He thinks that he knows about that but never acknowledge.

Disbelief came out of Angel’s squawk “And THAT’s who you waited for??? EVERY SINGLE NIGHT??? Till the sun comes out??? You gotta kidding me. How long did he leave you??? No wonder you’re so underweight!!! You barely even take bare minimum care.”

Now that just insulting. Gamzee huffed with chest high “I can take care of my motherfucking self, white miracle. I have been, since my lusus taking long motherfucking trips for who knows where.”

“Well, That’s Bonafide bullshit if I ever heard one.”

Indicative wounded pride raises and a challenging voice came out “I CAN PROVE IT MOTHERFUCKER” Gamzee grabs his squawker to shut but it was already too late.

The Angel gives a Mischievous smile and with an amused voice “Okay then prove to me” They pulled 1 point stub out of the fist “Prove to me that you can make a simple fucking meal then.” They waved the stub around. Not wildly but left and right in a motion. “Not soper pie. Shit ain’t actually feeding you at all.”

Shit. He might as well. “Then I motherfucking will” He sniff.

Gamzee noticed that while fake thing doesn’t appear nor the purple glow is here. He still a bit buzzing and _if his mouth spits unreal shit that he didn’t mean_ raging around. He thinks that it’s better than whatever happened when he opened the thermal hull.

===> **Gamzee Makara** : **realize you’re just 3 sweeps old and can’t cook with your weakass prongs**

Well fuck. You can’t even raise a single cooking pan with your prongs. Gamzee remembers it was easier before but now it is the heaviest thing he holds. He would almost be crush by it, if not for Angel to suddenly take it away like it isn’t even a boulder. But an empty faygo bottle. Smirk meets your eyes and Gamzee rather NOT fail this.

He makes up a mini prayer within his head and put the meatblock in the oven. It’s the easiest thing to cook. All he has to do is just put the block in the oven and set the timer, then the food will come. It worked with the exploded kernels and huskloaf. Gamzee remembered his own startled younger self when he first did it. It was a funny miracle

The timer dinged. Gamzee brings his own dish to the table with a lazy smug smile. And chewed the food.

Only to spit it out

Well fuck.

The disappointment came at your own self when you can’t even do the simplest task of cooking. It’s weird that he only knows how to cook soper pie well. He had been doing it… for a while, he thinks.

Angel, across the table, is eating their own meal. Gamzee expects goading, jesting, or put a practical joke on himself from them. They look at him with his sad attempt at cooking and just…

Push a second plate of theirs to him.

“That’s yours.”

Gamzee just… doesn’t know how to respond. Angel states “Meatblock needs time to cook if you put a whole in there. Cut it next time.”

Well, Gamzee just sits silently.

He took a bite of Angel’s little dish and he can’t believe that explosion of flavor coming to him.

Gamzee ends up swallowing that food clean. (his buzzing stops when his acid tract gets full)

===> **A Condition is clear! A New implementation will give Player HEART’s personification to Self.**

What.

What is this voice in Gamzee head is saying?

=> **PERSPECTIVE CHANGE** : -> **BARD OF HEART** : **React to the system message.**

What.

What the hell is this.

YES. Why am I in this dark ass home??? <\- Who the fuck is that.

Oh.

Oh shit. You think you’re going crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what to do with oncoming Christmas.
> 
> Shit I even post this early cuz I don't want to do Christmas.
> 
> Next chapter: idk what.
> 
> EDITed: Wait does notes counts as word in word count?  
> EDITED: No it doesn't.  
> EDITED: I fucked up the publish date


	8. Fuck...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh fuck. 
> 
> Oh what the fuck.
> 
> Oh shit.

===> **BARD OF HEART: freak out**

=> **PERSPECTIVE CHANGE:** -> **Gamzee Makara: be surprise.**

“What THE FUCK.” Angel scream which was unfortunate for Gamzee because that made him choke on the food in his throat.

===> **SYSTEM: Proceed to continue ignore the wrong terminology.**

Gamzee cough out the sweet  -sweet-  meat out of his mouth. What a surprise in finally getting the calm flow in then ruining it completely in the next breath. Now that he’s not in danger in choking himself to death.

He looks at Angel’s current freak. Is they having the same freak that Gamzee just got down from? Or did they… hear what they heard when he was chewing?

‘===> **A Condition is clear! A New implementation will give Player HEART’s personification to Self.**

What.

What is this voice in Gamzee head is saying?’

No way. Angel quiets those poisonous voice down. That voice is always quiet and never scream at them. So… Is angel hearing them now?

“What the fuck! What the actual fuck?!” Angel kept pointing at the empty air. Gamzee grab whatever little control of his chucklevoodoo to check if they’re having voodoo freak out.

No. they’re not. And with one last scream, in the fashion of religion Angel disappear in the most miraculous way he ever seen.

Well then, Gamzee would have to wait for Angel to appear again like how they used to.

Beach and them tugging him in.

Gamzee want them to appear without doing that. For some reason, he thinks there’s nothing to be sad for.

He got a lusus.

A lusus that didn’t leave for months on. A lusus that came back.

===> **BARD OF HEART: freak out a little more for couple of days more.**

In their defence, something that appear out of nowhere and start hanging near you in constant. You would freak out too.

Fuck. They just become the hypocrite when they, themself, did that to Gamzee.

So, you want some story system??? Here what happen at the dinner. They absolutely freaked and scared Gamzee to choking himself. Then completely physical flipped with great gymnastics with no weight, crashed in the ceiling. Continue onward with embarrassing aerobics by crashing into every wall in the hallway before flinging out the door.

So, all that damage to Gamzee’s hive? Fixed as soon as Gamzee somehow called capenter droids in. Hell, even that window is fixed.

They begrudgingly admit that their abscond is embarrassingly hilarious and humiliating.

“Hey.” 

Fuck.

That thing came back again

“Don’t you ignore me” 

They are very good at ignoring things that doesn’t need their attention. Oh look. They need to cook for Gamzee.

“I can literally read your mind. I know you see me” 

OOOOH. Look at them fridge- THERMAL HULL. What weird troll food is there to make? Meat. Meat. Meat. That’s how it had been in the past few days.

In fact, the thing got more daring by-

“Sup. Now tell me where the fuck am I?” 

APPEARING IN FRONT OF THEM.

Let them be spook internally. ‘ *Scream of profanity in thoughts* ’ But don’t worry. This spectacle won’t be done long.

They literally phase through the blue thing’s to grab thing in thermal hull. They grasp at nothing but air.

Well shit. Where are the foods? They are pretty sure they stocked up pretty good with *ahem* hunted meat.

“Hey Kiddo. Where all the grub gone?” little hair ball with horn peaked out of the horn pile. Gamzee speak with confusion “Isn’t that lusus job to get?”

Well double shit.

They have to do a little grocery shopping and they got no money. “Do you know where to get it?” A little rustling and honking, Gamzee brings out paper from _somewhere_ “I think this is it? Goatdad sometimes takes these to somewhere…” Well triple shit.

Now they making this weak ass kiddo suddenly remembering that disappeared goat. They grab the paper in resignation “Ah well. Guess it’s finally the day I get food from… drones.” Because _something_ blue was interfering their own hunt.

“Do they get logistics? In non-register lusus?” Gamzee honk confusingly. “Nevermind”

Speaking of honks. “Kiddo. Show your damn self.” A pair of eyes glow within the horn pile, looking at them with humour in it.

“Come on out now.” What you expect a weak stick coming out of the horn pile, is replace with fatter softer stick. Gamzee rise to his full height.

Damn. Kids really do grow quick.

After a few days of proper meals, _Yes, Meals with an S cuz they’re eating three meals a day now compare to 3 days a meal_ , Gamzee’s body is busy doing catch up on his stunted growth.

His height improved from his hips to his chest now. The skin isn’t sticking to his bone anymore, there’s actually a filling within them. Now if troll were mammal, those could say, they’re gaining fat now.

Now the most important part, their eyes isn’t as glazed as before. Sure, his eyes is still glazed but that’s different from having 3 litre of slime’s constant flowing in that body.

You think that these improve would happen in 3 months. But Troll’s biology is very adaptive. Higher blood colour for cooling temperature, with body that’s equipped to fight the harshest condition. Such as fight against the _RED GIANT_ sun and their average brightness, constant wakefulness in completely darkness or their shift to water as the sun continue to grow.

They have to guess that Gamzee raided the thermal hull twice a day to finish all _their_ hunt.

They poked his belly. “I see where all the pre-made food went” smirking.

Gamzee look down in embarrassment.

Ah. Well. They can’t really discourage that. “Well, I’m going. You need anything?” Gamzee shake his head.

Well off they go.  “Oi”  Shut up.

===> **Gamzee Makara: shake your guilt.**

Gamzee can’t lie that he hasn’t been sneaking a look at the slime when Angel wasn’t looking after him. These nights, Gamzee has been eating good with the grub from Angel’s hunts. It is weird to eat those grubs when it might have been-

He’s not going to think about that.

The floor looks further, and he could reach better than ever compared to last half sweep. His skin looks better than ever. There is no more noise in his head anymore. Angel really quiet them down so much that he can’t remember the last time a single night was nothing but voices screaming everywhere.

But sometimes…

He can’t help but want to stick his squawker into the slime. Look for those color and tickle his brain a little. Sometimes he wanted to bake some pie, sometimes he just wants to gulp a few mouthfuls.

Then hid in the horn pile before Angel come and make some more grubs. How could he look back when small little part of him tells them that -they will leave- once they saw him.

How could he? -Brain itself, is wired to reward- When It helped him so much during those lonely sweeps.

Sure, He got Angel right now, but he couldn’t help it.

He just wants some dope.

He could bring every excuse to make sure why he needs the slime and why he need to be constant doping. But it would chase away his only other source of comfort. His best bro wouldn’t understand at all. Best bro already ridicules his own religion, how would he know that he won’t ridicule his slime problem?

It’s hard.

Being addicted and growing up. It’s hard and nobody understands.

Gamzee look at the slime at his recuperacoon. His head tickle as his sniff nub picks up the smell of sweet sweet soper.

He wants.

He needs.

He slurped.

===> **Gamzee Makara: Wake up**

Gamzee woke up with a startled. He looks around and see that he trashed his room a little. He checked his head and his chucklevoodoo that he currently at the low phase.

He knew from sweep of doing soper that he must have bounced so hard with a little slime from not having it for so long. What a mouthful turns into a few pie worth’s of high. It’s so _so_ _good_ to have soper in his head.

His bloodpusher thumped harder and faster, his vision widens and sharpen a lot more. His prong shakes and head make funny little feels.

He misses this… _a lot_

-Look in the oven-

Fuck. He doesn’t miss the voice. They… They… -They are fucking savage- Always beating him up, always making him sad, always make thing so horrible…

His sniff nub detects something cooking. Something so familiar.

-His eyes flashes as his own chucklevoodoo make the oven look intimating. Green smell flow out of the oven like a siren calling to its long-lost sailor from his vacation. Noise of fast whispers came as if they were chaunting in a spell, a ritual to summon someone back to its loving cold arms.

The oven open itself with a spell. The unsuspecting troll let the steam blow to their face. They embraced the steam with a hearty inhale. Like one does when they smell delicious food or sniff from a red elixir to be intoxicated after a few glasses.

The warm green liquid swirl in hypnotizing way to draw anyone toward them. The bubble pops to show that it’s well cooked. Anyone would take one look and drink all the soup down the stomach. The troll heads spin with more chanting voices, inciting to take it. Take it all –

Thump. “OI Kiddo! I came back with that food delivery!!! Oh shit, I meant GRUB DELIVERY!!!”

Gamzee snap away from whatever trances he was in and went ‘oh motherfuck…’

He looks down to see half of the pie is gone and now he has to stash it away. He put it in his sylladex and pray a little that the modus won’t eject it out of nowhere. Then, abscond in youth roll to the pile.

He missed the pile and body slammed into the floor.

Ouch.

Angel appeared into his room or he thinks that they might. Dope circulating in his head made it hard to know if they walked into the room or they appear like how they did the first time in the beach. “Finally roll out of the pile, did you? Why don’t you come and help me with this pile of boxes now.”

Gamzee look up to a pile of boxes held by Angel. Good. He thinks. Angel can’t see his state with the way he can’t almost lift his head without feeling the huge weight swinging around.

“Let me say. Not having a sylladex is such a pain in the ass. I have to carry all this while balancing those boxes and other thing.”

Noise in his head is gone but he still feels like his stump hangs a weight swinging around whenever he moves. Its much harder to carry all those grub boxes with the extra imaginary weights.

If anything, Gamzee wants to stumble into the pile and just ride through the high without Angel knowing anything.

“Argh! Who knew that I have back ache again?” Crack and pop went in their back, snapping Gamzee back to reality again. “What are you standing there with that one box? Go ahead.”

Oh right. Gamzee is holding the box. Damn, he’s been staring a little bit. Shit.

Oh shit!

Gamzee accidentally put the box into his sylladex. “Uh…”

Angel look at him with unamused look “Yeah. Thanks for that reminder that you have one. How about we go and actually put it in the fridge?” They moved to carry the box to the thermal hull and unpack it.

Shit. Gamzee rather carry the other box than bring that box from his sylladex. He remembers that some of his pie got thrown away to the sea in HIGH SPEED like a miracle. He doesn’t need that one now.

They did the unpacking good and quiet till… “Ay. How about that box in your sylladex?”

Gamzee blank at that. “Uh… My miracle pocket sometimes… throw away my staff faraway.”

Angel huff “I can catch them. I’m sure your sylladex won’t throw it THAT hard.”

Ok. Gamzee hoped to messiah that the box won’t fly away from his hand “Oops.” And fly away they did.

“…Did that box broke sound barrier?”

“what’s a sound barrier?”

Frustrated noise came and Angel left the hive. Gamzee now have time to remove the pie away from his hive. Now he needs the flying miracle to throw the pie fast. “aw fuck” The miracle didn’t happen.

He should really dump it in his load gaper and never stick his squawk tentacle in the green slobs.

But First.

Gamzee sniff a little to probably the last time he will taste the sweet elixir. The elixir that comforts him for so long is not needed when someone finally look after him. He takes a handful and eat its for one last time, gamzee swear, to remember the elixir by. -no-

He can always take faygo.

He doesn’t need soper. -lies-

He gotten much better. -lies-

He painfully walked to the load gaper and aimed to pour it down -what a waste- 

-I want- He doesn’t need it anymore. He’s getting low on soper. His head hurt. It never hurt that much before. He-  needs it to take the pain away. He hasn’t had soper. He needs to slurp it all up and lick the remaining soper to get it away. He always will have soper. He-

“The heck is this? Soper pie? I don’t get why you purple so bent over for it.” Gamzee must have took too long because Angel came back already.

He turned to see the Angel drinking the remaining soper down. Disgusted face and cough came out. “I don’t get why you purple can drown these bitter stuffs like they’re the sweetest shit ever.”

Gamzee chucklevoodoo is going crazy. He doesn’t know how to feel. “I might as well throw this pie maker.”

No pie maker.

No pie.

No soper pie.

No dope.

Angel moved to the pile of pie maker and start to throw away.

No. -He need those-

-Gamzee started to fight with Angel.- “Hey what the fuck?” -He can’t have it throw away. Gamzee needed those to continue. It’s a motherfucking ritual.-

“Ok. You gotta stop with the mood swing. So annoyin-”  -Gamzee started to punch Angel in the face. He started a strife with Angel to continue his addiction for soper. Gamzee doesn’t know why he need soper or why he started with soper slime. He knew that he needed it to get rid of sad and whatever bubbling within him.- “Are you fucking having a withdrawal right now?!?”

-Angel kept block his fist or whatever he throws to Angel.- why am I -Gamzee can’t control his body desperately fighting a one-side fight for something so trival. “Shut it blue shit! I don’t need those encouraging words!”

=> **PERCEPTIVE CHANGE** -> **Third Party** : **Blue text please**

=> **Error!** -> Blue text cannot be reach

=> **PERCEPTIVE CHANGE**

A word in a sentence can change a time so much. So does the time in the strife. Confusing time in a strife of a self-inserted character fighting against a small kid against his addiction.

Addiction is a powerful thing.

No one know what happen to those who took such addiction at such young age because it is unknown. Soper is a substance that is supposed to calm one’s mind and sleep-in peaceful mode. Soper slime can be a method to heal injure as a way to speed up wound’s healing time. It is not known on what happen if such a calming substance, taken through skin, ingested.

Even the best thing can be used and abuse.

Fight. That’s all you have 

Such as the comforting and calming effect would be reach faster and harder by ingestion, snorted, injected or smoked. These effects is usually within the brain for rewards and motivation. If such a effect being repeated, would build up a tolerance. It can be removed when a period of time is taken with break. Therefore, There will always a rebound for the same effect after such a break because of lingering feels and memory of the first hit.

So, when they fall off the wagon without self-control.

They will fall harder.

I need. I want. I will have.

That’s what happen with Gamzee’s uncontrollable urge for more soper after going cold turkey.

so so good

Gamzee’s body would attack and fight for another hit in another day because of his young exposure. Combine with sudden abandonment of his caregiver, young brain would not be developed enough to have such defences against these.

-“Oi! Kiddo! You really need to stop with this!!!”-

No one can be able to fight an addiction when its grips are deep. Only when intervention by either caregiver, moirail, or even self-disciplining, would the affected can be control their own urge.

They did so good  I did so good I did so good for my own

Angel appearances happen to be some control because of sudden stop in doping and questionable care in Gamzee. A child can cling to the care when they received. They often blame themselves for faults that are not their own.

Goatdad left because of you  I never have what they have  I don’t remember

Withdrawal can be understood to those who went under. Normal would not understand without undergoing these trials because such experience is understood in their struggle with one addict to another.

Why can’t they get off? Like it’s so easy to do so It’s not their fault that they are naturally like this Is that why she want to do all this When someone lost it all, they can’t change overnight

“Fuck. Why do I have to remember it now? So selective. Fucking memories. Fuck my brain”

Angel dodge another fist away from their head.

“Stop fucking flying away Motherfucking Angel.” inhale “GIVE BACK!”

No one can just change their mind overnight nor can they take such a big step without prior planning. Especially when such thing is a require and accepted thing in this world. Change can happen through by small steps and mind change. Those who kept the same mindset will bound to repeat.

They left- MUST NEED- I have- RESIST IT- them to care- I CAN- I can’t-

Sometimes.

Under influence, the reality would slip, and no one would understand that such things happen because of the influence, a person take.

Gamzee start feeling like things just break downs. He starts seeing things way before the huge scare. Before the stay. He saw the black poisonous things that almost ruined what he had. That black things rots him. Rots his mind in what is real.

Sometimes it takes over him without a warning- 

Flashes that linger within an influences mind would stay and kept this feeling. Like things that doesn’t make sense or even feel like random flashes to future.

Green is what gamzee sees. Laying down as if cut in half -I stay because I want to help-

Would they believe it when that same thing happens again once they see the flashes in real life too? Making the cold chill within your own soul.

Why… why would you go after that? but it’s all good, I’m chill with it

===> **BARD OF HEART** : **Stop this nonsense**

You are very sure that Gamzee is having a withdrawal. BH knew this behaviour so well from certain purple friend who used to do this. The purple friend’s moirail usually handled this.

Fuck. Be a lusus, why not.

BH would handle this… violent behaviour but it’s too much of a hastle. And if he can be a background noise with the pie, they would let it. The problem is…

Soper slime IS NOT SUPPOSED to be used like this.

BH would understand if it was some dunk in the recuperacoon to have some chill. Not a fucking eating it like it’s a delicious keylime pie.

Maybe like them skincare for relaxation ‘Hush. Now. I don’t need to remember some another Self’s memory for good skincare.’

BH still doesn’t know what is going on but BH would just put it in as ‘weird shit’ folder that they put up for a long time.

There.

A vine lookalike that BH remember being very good at tying up for a hunt. A plan is forming. Seeing as those stolen grubs actually helped in Gamzee gaining weight, they would be having a power of an adolescent goat now.

You gonna tied him up to cool him down. Tsk. What a bad plan

‘Shut it. Blue shit. I don’t see you make a good plan’

BH went and grab the vine. Pull it hard to start swinging it toward Gamzee. The vine flew and landed to Gamzee. Gamzee struggle to pull away the vine as BH start pull their muscle and tied Gamzee in the tree. Gamzee keep shaking around to loosen the vine.

“Yeah. Yeah. Good. You do that kiddo. That should help.”

Satisfied. BH flop down to rest from all the dodging and using unfamiliar muscle like flying to avoid ranged weapon (ejected items from sylladex).

Now. Can you just acknowledge that I’m a good team up?

‘Hell no. You’re a useless as hallucination that block visual.’ BH huff as he moved a little to right.

To dodge another random item that Gamzee throw.

“Damn kiddo. How many things is in that sylladex? That’s some space” Gamzee grumble harder “IT’S NOT MINE. Motherfucking miracle mode has tons of things. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I HAVE.”

“Oi! Pipe, down will you? You’re probably scaring food away” And Gamzee do what a 3 sweeps old troll would do.

Scream.

BH cringed real hard before looking for something plug up that screaming child. They picked a non-poisonous fruit and just flew up to slap a plug up that lung.

That’s quite a lung he has “Yeah. No wonder he can switch volume real good.”

Hey. That’s a guitar  “What” BH look down and there right there is not a guitar. It’s just a small guitar.

Oi oi. How about you play me a song? ‘What nonsense are you spouting?’ BH finally FINALLY look at the blue text. They’re just a little orb.

Well.

Just like BH just blank character without any sort of notable feature other than glowing blue.

COME ON! Felt like that is something important you should do. Contemplating that. BH do agree a little that out of all the random stuff thrown on them. That thing made them felt drawn toward.

Maybe it was the class thing?

Oh well. BH might as well fail at playing at that when they know they never play any of the instrument.

Picking it up. Just felt right. Like another puzzle clicked in the unsolved puzzle. BH just suddenly want to sing a song.

They might as well to pass time till Gamzee cool down. BH seat down under the tree where Gamzee is hanging - _wriggling to escape-_ around. They play around a little with the string to find it soundless. ‘hmmm’

Just imagine that you’re playing a song. That’s what I do when I don’t know how to play

“Well fuck it then.” Might as well make it weird as well.

BH close their pupil-less eyes.

Fingers starts moving as thoughts and unfamiliar familiar tune strum out of the little guitar. The soundless guitar starts making noise that is not suited for a guitar but a ukulele. The little guitar glow in colourless colour as one of his ~~voice~~ Self start flowing out of their growing headache. The ache subsided as the tune continues.

The tune spoke of sad undertone, as words flow out of BH’s mouth.

_I guess I have to face_ _  
That in this awful place  
I shouldn't show a trace of doubt_

Concertation continue as unfamiliar feelings grows within BH. As if they lived through this, but they did not.

_But pulled against the grain_ _  
I feel a little pain  
That I would rather do without_

The guitar pulse as they generate little blue glowing orbs out of it. Little Gamzee look at those glow ball in an amazed state.

_I'd rather be..._ _  
Free-ee-ee  
Free-ee-ee  
Free..._

The tune within the guitar causes the glowing orbs to glow brighter than lower as if following the tune’s beats. A white image of BH came in the centre of the lightshow as Gamzee watches its dance. The lightshow shows the image BH dance around the edges of the provide line for ground.

_I'd rather be_ _  
Free-ee-ee  
Free-ee-ee  
Free..._

The image start floating of the line as Image BH twirl around in the air.

_Free-ee-ee_ _  
Free-ee-ee  
Free..._

The image pauses in front of the audiences as their image distort to different person that wears overcoat. A small sad smile appears in the faceless image as they disappear with a single line.  
  


_From here_

The light shows dimmed and disappear as soon as the tune close.

Well

What

“-the fuck is that-”

“-Miracle shit.”

* * *

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ \---> Skip

BH has to say that the song help. If they said by lessening little injury that the strife creates by their style of fighting, then yes. It’s a win.

They have a habit of throwing Gamzee around which…

what was the point of that strife when you could just mother the shit of him?

The blue guy would say a lot of that. And…

Why don’t you just limit he’s soper slime eating habit? That way this whole strife won’t happen

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ \---> Skip

Gamzee is dunked in the recuperacoon as Angel just clean his wound again. He can’t help but remind of the first time they met. And afterward.

It was a shitshow from start to finish with some cooling period.

He could drink the soper in the recuperacoon but… he’s too tired from all that strifing. His adrenaline or whatever soper aftereffect is going away and he’s….

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So

Motherfucking

Tired……

I'm motherfucking sleepy.

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ \---> Skip

Gamzee opened his eyes to see blue sky. He look around as he remember this is part of his dream.

This was the first time he came here not soper up.

He's wearing mustard color outfit.

He thinks....

It's weird

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ \---> Skip

===> **READER: Endure this narrative’s aimless chapter**

“So, kiddo, What is your clown’s origin story?” BH asked Gamzee with almost the bored look.

Gamzee look back at BH with disbelieving eyes “You wanted to know about this motherfucker’s church?” BH waved his hand as if whipping the annoying fly away “Not like I remember how you said my own friend’s verse is fake as fuck.” BH cringes as their non-exist eyes whip around the room searching or glaring at things “…Or how you said that you been seeing things.”

Gamzee don’t want to remember those things that he sees. He deflects by focusing more on his religion “Church don’t like trolls fucking their shit. Our lifestyle is what we practise, we don’t care if troll with no purple in them don’t understand our shit. We care when they start smearing the core of the church” BH raise an eyebrow “Which issssss?”

-fucking ruining and butting in every- -Gamzee blink the purple away “Proper beginning story.” The angel looks away if something appears, Gamzee look at where they looked but there was nothing but clown horns “Yeah I don’t know why clown horns is a thing too. There was nothing about it.”

BH frown as if he heard the ridiculous thing ever, “Wasn’t horns sound same as the mirthful messiah’s Vast Honk?”

Now this Gamzee didn’t know. He usually follows whatever his fellow clowns do. “…They said that?”

Now even BH is confuse. “What is the name of the messiahs-” “ -DON’T SAY THEIR NAME- ”

Anxiety creeps in. Gamzee doesn’t know why but “I-Its something we clown don’t do. Only Mirthful Messiah because there is only one Mirthful Messiah who pity us.”

Angel look astonish at that statement and if Gamzee had to think for once, it would be related to the false verses. They speak as if their voice doesn’t carry the usual weight “Then what have you been seeing…”

Small.

That’s how Gamzee would describe their voice sound. But its not. It always loud and he can hear it in next room, it’s like they been speaking with him intimately close.

The distance between them on the table tell that it’s lies.

And always, his voice is too small to his ear “I don’t know… I see flashes of something. I get angry, then happy. Then, I just go back here confuse as hell.”

And if Gamzee look into Angel’s eyes, he could see Angel’s empty eyes turn into troll’s eyes. Then switch to having dark pupil in white canvas before disappearing entirely. “Sometimes I don’t think you’re real…” He spoke in the lowest tone because he knows Angel is real and is the softest floor to sleep on.

Faint memory of Angel’s hold still shivers in their shoulder, not wanting it to forget.

“Well shit. I don’t think someone ever said something so meta as a young troll. Sound like something you would believe in.”

Gamzee snap back to BH as if awaken. “It’s not something to believe in. It’s motherfucking miraculous. Church would be very understanding and shit because what we perform is from miracle thinking we got on our sponge.”

“We got miraculous blood to paint with what we see and what we do. Fuck, there was a paint from 100 sweep ago that shows that we grow up into dark being. Last time I look at my skin.” Gamzee held out his arm as if to show a point “WE’RE FUCKING GREY!”

Gamzee waved his extra shirt “There was paint that we don’t wear only larvae skin colour clothes but our own blood colour clothes. It’s fucking wicked, we used to wear moobeast’s white leather. The first times blood colour is used in paint was even before fish sis’s bigger fish sis’s birth.”

He covered his mouth as if he said something forbidden “Don’t tell fishy troll. Church kept these things hidden and only clown knows.”

He stares at one of the fondest rare smiles, Angel ever gave them. Angel never smile a lot around him, -probably because you’re nothing to them- Even the fake smile they gave doesn’t hold the same weight.

Embarrassed at his own rambles, -Why does his squawker move without him knowing-  He’s only saving graces is his own paint covering them up.

“Do yours have saint?”

Gamzee blinks “Never heard of them.” Or it’s something Church doesn’t show to young trolls? He doesn’t know.

He’s seeing things again.

Angel shift to warmer, browner colour, as they close their empty eyes “My purple friend is a saint. She… didn’t really like Church before but they wanted to change the Church.”

A soft breathy laugh came out “She broke her moirail’s house when she’s first met him-“

The more they spoke, curly dark hair spill as they shift to different shade of brown. “-He literally was spade-blocking her-“

Rust-colour blushes rise to their cheek “-She didn’t like that.”

Hair in their gander flutter like tinkerbell’s wings “-And they’re happily moirail-married now.”

Warmest eyes reveal at Gamzee with the most pale diamond look in the almond colour troll face.

This is not a troll. Nor is it his Angel. It’s completely alien. An alien sitting there in the place of Angel, wearing his shirt without his sign. It’s different from the lusus colour Gamzee gotten used to. Nor is the life within that eyes compared to empty white void.

It burns within his mind and he blink.

And it’s gone.

“-heheheh, and to think a diamond was formed without him knowing. Only that he has to distract Scarlee from hate snogging fish bastard’s red.” That sound scandalous to Gamzee’s hear duct. To incite a third part ash to block a spade, only to become one of the spade’s diamond. That is so embarrassing and…

“…miracle?” Even He doesn’t know why he thinks it’s a miracle of an embarrassing encounter.

Angel laugh in restrain “That’s what Scarlee said too. That was something of a miracle itself.”

Confused “Scarlee?”

Angel look like they’re speaking of a flush crush “YEA! Scarlee. Purple friend. She beat my ass up while blind.” Now that’s something a clown won’t ever happen to be blind.

“Blind? Did she claw their gander out?” That did happen to a fellow troll. A High wicked clown took a psionic’s ganders out to bring a miracle of ‘seeing things in their view’.

“Oh. No! She voluntarily to blind herself up with scarf to ‘walk in total miracle’. That doesn’t work out very much but has wicked punch to back her up.” That sound like a fantastic idea. Maybe Gamzee should do that too. To show the miracle in unseen. “No. Don’t Kiddo. She got a moirail that watches her.”

Fucker.

Trying to twist all up and harder with jealousy knife, Gamzee want a moirail.

Shit sound amazing.

=> **Perceptive change** : -> **BARD OF HEART: WONDER WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT PURPLE MOIRAIL GUY IS**.

Speaking of the fucking devil. Where the fuck is that guy???  "What guy? What so special about him?"

‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!’ Great BH. You’re gonna become one of those loony people who talks to themselves when there’s ABSOULETLY no one there. It literally doesn’t help that thing keeps ranting about proper child care and state of Gamzee’s room being so dirty and messy. Trying to clean it with every attempt at grabbing things.

Or whatever insistence on talking to Gamzee’s whatever.

Well, that nagging help with remembering… that guy. Scarlee’s moirail. Funny thing about him is that they don’t even remember their name but their aspect. They can’t even remember about Scarlee’s first name. Only her… aspect. Or even what they look like.

They’re not losing memories, are they?

They take their questioning on the rots of their memory to deflect on current issue which is-  Where the hell is Time?

If those barely surfacing memories tell them anything, it’s that Time’s obsession on his ancestors. Hell, he even has the book that… was a gift to purple friend. It was… their first jam and gift exchanging.

Wasn’t he also the one who found me?

dirty sick them look up to small figure looking down at them. They growl at him to protect their food. 

He reaches out and they clawed his arm. Dripping blues never look so delicious 

Where is that finding ability, he possesses when they needed the most.

"-There are fucking bugs in that pile of horns. How the fuck do they even liv- HEY! Are you fucking listening to me???" 

Right now. That annoying thing. It’s funny how talkative it is comparing to its first appear. They look at Gamzee’s sulking to his laptop and do whatever internet surfing he do. Flashes of twinkling eyes when Gamzee was talking about paint and Churches, brings a small hidden smile ‘Well look at this kid. He was all sad and mopey till he starts rambling his clown shit.’

"Hey, don’t think I didn’t see you smile there. You’re warming up to the kid 

Preposterous. Simply a false thing that happening right no-

" ‘Preposterous. Simply a false thing that happening right now. There’s no way you’re warming up to the kid cuz you hate kids’ is what you’re thinking right now."

How convenient that it sometimes read mind.  "Not really. It just so obvious that it will flow to that way. I **know** you" 

Now, they are irritated. ‘Come out dammit.’ No way they’re gonna talk in front of kiddo. Looking at what Gamzee hallucinate, this would just make things worse.  "Aw. Now you’re caring." 

‘Look. You’re very talkative these days.’ Which is an understatement. They talk so much that sometimes they just interrupted when Kiddo was feeling to talk.

"Well, How can I not be opened up when you did help me find what memory I had. The blue guy just smirk  "Especially with that performance you did. In front of the kid too." 

This is less like a story for Gamzee and more on their idiot’s self. It’s not a secret that Gamzee did open up a little more after that EMBARSSAING performance. Especially a song that would be copyright afterward if ever film. ‘And there’s another useless information that pop up like an unwanted child.’

Blue guy just giggled  "well, I vaguely gotten my origin back like look at this overcoat!!!"  Blue guy twirl around, showing off his trench coat.  "I think I used to have this as a cape thing. To fly off and save… something I think" 

“Save what? Like you’re in a dystopian world and you’re fighting alien?” A ridiculous plot to show how great a character is. Seriously why imagine a world ruined? When there is better thing to focus on such as how to live another day. Maybe some wants to feel important in a society were having smart means being ridicule and brought down till they become the same as anyone.

It feels like projecting some unknown feeling that BH knows they never felt. Because if their little memory showed, they don’t have time to think about those when they can’t get their next meal in a week.

They’re not even bothering to correct themself anymore.

Why is it quiet? Sure, they like the quiet in their rarity but…

They turned back as they look at the blue guy. Their face become more prominent as eyes and mouth defined. Their hair lengthens from shoulder length, to as long as waist length.

There is horrific expression in their face as if they were struck by memories that BH can’t even get.

"…My world is… desolate" 

“…What”

Their image becomes defined. Their blue faded as human colour comes in. Their eyes covered with ridiculous shade. Their trench coat turns red as if stained by countless wounds appearing in their torso. Their chest wrapped in bandage with red stain near where the heart is.

The blue guy is not a guy. It’s women. Girl. Human gender female.

"I died from trying to kill me" 

That is 180 degree from whatever storyline supposed to go. “What do you mean killing yourself???”

Grim look, the face melted into, with the shade covering whatever soul crushing eyes they- she going to make  "There was another me… but not me me. It’s my face and my eyes but not the body. Not even the astronaut suit they’re wearing." 

"It was like looking at your own demon but different."  She wave around her hand as if trying to describe  "It’s like symbiotic venom but not spiderman. And I… stabbed me right here."  She put her hand on the red stain near her chest.

This is completely different and not a homestuck story. Was it their session??? Blue guy- girl’s session???

"And I think… It started with you"  accusation rolling to BH “AS IF! I don’t even know you. You came out of nowhere in kiddo’s hive and expected me to know the answer.”

"I don’t know. Seeing as you see me and how I just- JuST APPEAR HERE LIKE A DEAD PERSON" 

BH Flinch “Woah! Who say you’re DEAD??? I’m THE DEAD ONE HERE. Sure I thought it’s weird why I urges like living being but I’m SURE I’m dead dead.”

The blue girl took off her shade in rage,  "DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!!!" 

White. For once, the eye filled with blue is white. White. WHITE. DEADER THAN WHITE. BH reach for their own  dead, void, no pupils- eyes. 

Hitting them harder than what they’re supposed to talk, whatever that was. This revelation hits harder as BH thinks that maybe. Maybe, the name they put on those wandering thoughts, memories, life that they never have, is probably dead too.

Just like them two.

“What the fuck… ”

"Same… what in the actual fuck."

≠̦̥̜̥̥̻͓̝͈̳͜͟͠=̛̝̠̩͍͔̯̙̰̖̬͝T̸̶̸̗̫̗̲͔͙̣̣̮̫̥̘̪̩͓̤̺͈͜ͅi̸̵̼̪̣̹̲̼͎͎̟̝̼̰̻m̵̵̪̟̯͖͈̰̺͉̠e̴̵͍̦̥̻͕͙̹͍̫̘̲͠ ̸̧̨̰͉̟̹̘͓̠̖͚̳̗͜͡Ạ̸̧̧̝̫͖̻̰̤̜̼̲͉̻̼͘u̞̜͍̼͢͢͠t͔͉͕͍͓̣̝̳͚̟̹̤͡ͅh̷̛̹̟͈̦͇̞̪̟̦̟̖̬̬͈̼͜͡͡ͅo̶̴̡͚͍̲͉̥̲͙̱̱̦̪̠̝͜r̛̫̲̮͔̖i̢̨̛͖̟͓͖̟̩̯͟͞ͅͅz̶̸͖͙͙̹͕̯͍̣͍̼̞̤͎̮̞͕̤͈ͅa̵̢̢͉̱̭͎̟t̷̸̛͔͖͕̹̣̹̣͚͚̻̖i̺̫̗̠̙͈͎͕͉̗̦͔̫̼͝͠o̶̵̧͇͕̤͚͔͔̯̖͈̼̝̻̝̜̱͞ͅn̸̨͍̜̘͙̬͉̰̣͔͘͟=̨̛̬̜͕̦͚̗͙̣͘͟͠ͅ=̷̛̪̬̣̦ ---> Skip

**===ERROR!===**

**===ERROR!===**

**===ERROR!===**

====System has found a bug===

"Oh fuck"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup. Came back with these chapter. 
> 
> And they were not plan at all 
> 
> If you could, this is like 3 chapter in 1


	9. Bugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01010011 01111001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01101101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100010 01110101 01100111 01110011

\---> **System is dealing with bugs**

===> **Gamzee: learn that recovery is hard**

There is a single speck when some motherfuck would go ‘I won’t drink soper!’ Those type of motherfuck would just do that for a week before going back to ‘I WILL DRINK SOPER’ because why would they leave such green sparks? This motherfuck will drink a sip then go bazooka.

Who care about being hurt? That’s one knows how to hurt oneself or know oneself to not hurt themselves in a extend. Just like that confusing strife where he just went ballistic to Angel is something that’s not unheard of, in church. Nobody gives a shit if a clown suddenly doesn’t want to drink soper or do murder. Who fucking cares? That’s the troll’s business that is private and none wants to suddenly be pale to each other like a fucking weirdo.

The thing is, there is soper-free clowns in church. They’re just do their own stuff of miracle and sometimes would take soper for brief moment because of something like ‘wanting to see go ape shit once in a sweep then go back to proper culling’. Gamzee can write up thousand of words on how church keeps itself check and also know how to go apeshit.

Church is church.

There are clowns who won’t follow the carnival. That’s all fine and shit.

Ruining the church shit and being blasphemy to us clown, Church won’t hesitate to cull those.

Highblood or not. Fish bastard or not. Low blood or not.

Gamzee thinks that those soper-free clowns are very good at what they do when they can ignore the good shit for shit and giggles. Because this shit is hard as fuck.

Just on the other side of the house in the upper floor is the sitting siren calls for him. Like a scandalous affair’s mistress comes to your house in the skimpiest clothing and wait upstairs to be pail.

Oh lord.

That is a traumatic point of way to say that recovery is hard.

You think that you would know by the parts of verse in church about mirthful messiah’s obsession with sugary elixir in any form but practically stardust and mace-shape chomps. But nope, those verse make sense now when Gamzee found the same metaphor for the sugar elixir with soper.

It’s just… something they realize once you grow up and connect the dot because telling you face value makes it confusing at first.

That aside. Gamzee sitting next to Angel in hours of nightlight without them suddenly up and fly away for hunt or whatever explanation, is very very pacify thing to have. Gamzee noted that they left and then came back in short trip after the meal then just… lay there without moving. It’s concerning if he didn’t pick soft snores in low volume.

So. Angel sleeps?

Gamzee thinks it’s just lusus thing rather than the screaming angel in the Book of Dark carnival. Gamzee always know that Angel is just a little different from the book’s depicted angel. From the way they suddenly come to his life to staying as his lusus and feeding him, it’s all… so pale but expected from a lusus. He knows they’re real but sometimes, little things like this just show that they’re a troll.

Unusual one that sleep without soper.

They are distracting.

The time where they fought, or when Gamzee goes to sadtown, or when the voices become nothing but screaming at point blank. Angel just swooped in and distracted them like it’s no problem. From the way they move to the way they hunt to the way they talk, Gamzee can sometimes believe that the lusus isn’t a lusus but some troll that survive all its own without lusus. Even, sleeping without soper or outside where everything can come and mutilated them, is weird itself.

Then, there’s goatdad.

The apathetic care they give to Gamzee is enough but also for a brief moment, know that they cared. ‘Cared’ in past tense. Gamzee is sure that whatever making goatdad to take long trips isn’t their fault. Or his.  -I don’t believe it- 

How did Angel say about this voice?

**=== > ERROR! -> this sequence wasn’t record. **

**=== > ERROR! -> Previous Bug has skipped this and was unable to record**

\----------------->System: Bug’s abilities have been recorded and is implanting in the system to go back for record keeping.

“ARHHHHHHHH” Part of you feel like they have been stolen away. There is a settling rot in the empty place

\----------------->System: Switch to developer’s control -------> System: Steal part of the abilities to return back to sequence. 

Your inherited abilities destroy the part of rot. “Oh, for Moon’s sake, I forgot what I’m dealing with… This is Heart’s abilities” You feel like you went back to square one with each setback. You don’t have all the time right now.

\----------------->System: Removal of the bug will process once record.

Fear and rhythm grip you “…Is this why they were lusus-less? Everything is making sense and not at all at the same time.” This is so much your fault and not at all. It’s the fault of your ancestor destroying everything. You suddenly realized that you’re repeating what your ancestor does.

\----------------->System: Rewind to the moment Gamzee Makara was saying, that was lost in the flow of time.

* * *

_A hand hold Gamzee's head while still stuck up the rope in the tree._

_ "There is this little voice in everyone that will say the same thing, no matter how good you’re off to."  _

_Gamzee tries to shake Angel's hand off his head "What is that noise?" His eyes is covered. Maybe Angel saw that Gamzee saw that little light show._

_ "That everything was their fault even when it’s not theirs." _

_Gamzee stop shaking off the hand. Gamzee thought that maybe Angel doesn't want to show him the expression they are making. In the short months of knowing them, He knows that they hate for him to see their face. Whether it was frustrated, or sometimes the little flickers of sudden vulnerable expression whenever Gamzee say something upsetting, they will look away as if they were shielding away._

_The hand kept him from seeing Angel's face. They continue._

_"They will convince the person that it’s their fault. Always. But do you know kiddo?" _

_Emotionless chuckle came. It's foreign to Gamzee ears because it sound too empty._

_" In some way, the voice corrupts you. There is an arguing voice that said, “No. It’s not.”" _

_Gamzee felt him getting off the tree. He's still hangs around the knot because Angel is not untying him._

_"We’re always looking for that." Wistful voice. _

_" But we can be the one to say it."_

_The way they changed in tone and suddenly comforting like the sea breeze flowing on to Gamzee face when he waited for goatdad. Wet. Water coming down and wiping his clown makeup with smear. "What are trying to get to?" As if he know the flow of this conversation, like suddenly he's the king of flows._

_ "Not everything is your fault, kiddo." _

* * *

‘It’s weird’ Gamzee thought. Sometimes there are parts in his head that bring such fake moment that never happen, but it’s more like that these fake moments were stolen away. Like it has been skipped for faster moving.

And there are terrifying thoughts that keeps him stay close.

‘What if they disappear?’

Anyone can have these thoughts when something comes up to you so suddenly. Gamzee doesn’t want to keep these thoughts. All he wanted to do is keep these feeling bottled up and ignore it so hard that he can enjoy these moments. To keep all of them memories and hold it close.

But what if he can’t?

This is where he would take the pie. He wants to.

He doesn’t

Why would he ruin such a good thing?

**\----------------- >System: **===> **Gamzee Makara: Remember the strife**

Nope.

Motherfucking nope.

The feeling of soper coming up and bringing every sad out that didn’t happen before is motherfucking no-good thing.

Doesn’t help that the soper starting make him see things. Like that poisonous black thing, and blue orb that zips around his hive. Sometimes Gamzee sees multiple versions of Angel but each are different. Sometimes they’re just… flowing around them.

Or that he sees one half of him looking at Gamzee straight. Like a daymare.

He can drink soper from his recuperacoon to remove that. It works. But it doesn’t give the same high as soper pie. It just feels different compare to pie. If he looks now -with aching headache-, he can faintly see that half of him. It won’t make sense. It never makes sense.

**\----------------- >System: ===> Gamzee Makara: Remember the strife**

UGh. His head hurts.

It burns like the guilt that comes up whenever he sips the soper.

The memory of every punch he gives to Angel is a spike of suffocating gulit, and all Gamzee want to do is to avoid it.

There is faint way that some of the punch was his own. His own anger, his own sadness just pours from his punch. And hurting the one who provide the distraction.

Would it call projection?

In a severe way, he wants to throw away his own sad town away. Soper pie was just a way to do so. Like the way it creeps up through shiver of his back and hold his rage to suffocate. The more he eats, the more its slowly dies.

Withdrawal is like replacing the Rage to himself. Now it’s his own rage switched position to choke him.

Not everything is miracle

STOP BEING IGNORANCE

Highest blood motherfucker

YET NOTHING BUT IGNORANCE

*bong*

“Oi oi snap out of it.”

===> **Gamzee Makara: Get sent to stupid idiot jail**

“Huh” it’s doesn’t hurt when Angel hit his head. More like a slam to reality but no pain.

Confuse, Gamzee look up to see Angel looking down at him with… narrow look?

“Is that so? Kiddo here just got natural reaction, of course. Not like anyone understand how drugs work.”

Gamzee look at where Angel is looking at but see absolutely nothing. It’s more obvious when he’s all up and close in this vicinity.

Maybe soper not all up and left him yet. But he didn’t take any of it yet. “Oh fuck. I’m talking out loud ain’t I?” Gamzee blink. There’s a lot of blinking going up after Angel came. “Yes? I heard you talking to motherfucking air.”

They facepalm. With another narrow look on both gamzee and absolutely nothing, they… “You remember me talking about a purple friend?” frowning, Gamzee doesn’t understand the flow of this conversation -or trying to with the increasing pounding headache and dread coming up and tickle this mother fucker.-

“Well since I feed you, why don’t we get… in touch…” Angel said it in grit way. ‘Now, what that have to do with the…’

“I know it’s not making sense but come on, I hunt food. So sometimes I might leave for longer.”

No- Gamzee thinks that’s absolute NOT what he wants. He just got this lusus, and he’s not going let it go away like those flying miracles. “So, I thought you might as well come. But that would mean we got to separate during those hunting trips. There’s no way I’m leaving you in sight without one of those… bug phones.”

Wait.

“…I’m coming?” Gamzee feels like he’s torn in that he could come with Angel which feels good or a little anxiety on going out.

He thinks.

That last time he went out, it’s either beach, waiting for goatdad or just stare at the ocean.

-It’s better to follow than waiting for fucker that never shows up-

During these moments of thinking, Angel continue “Yea well, I’m good with you staying here forever but man you need to somehow move around… or exercise.”

-And if this motherfucker can see, is that the bastard won’t come back.-

“And like I can just fly really hard to send you back hive before daylight. Troll really have such good luck on having bright red star.”

-It’s better than moping around for someone that won’t come back- -Right kiddo? Come and join this adventure’s miracle-

Flashes of purples going around Gamzee’s head but it’s subsiding the headache away and he feels a little lighter. “Yeah.”

“What?”

“Yeah. This motherfucker wants to come.” Whatever headache or heartache seem to lighten, as if the things that been holding Gamzee to drown was slowly rotting away, and it finally snap and letting Gamzee shot up through all the drownings.

“Well, I don’t know about this but that feels like an improvement”

“What why?”

“Well you’re actually agreeing to things rather than being string along. ”

Angel push husktop to Gamzee

“Come on kiddo, this idiot here can’t wait to get on this trip with you.”

\----> **System is dealing with bugs...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Need some more Gamzee up in this chapter.
> 
> I just saw Gamzee pesterquest. And I'm just blow away by the coincidence of Gamzee being in beach and the mspa readers appearing on the beach. 
> 
> Then again. He got a beach house so it's not a much surprising that he would be there. cuz IF I have a beach house, I'll do that too.
> 
> Also I like how nobody know drugs in general and withdrawal. When we have alcohol addiction and can compare it, it just one of them more extremes on the side


End file.
